From Car Seat to Baptism: Standing on the Side

A couple weeks ago I saw this picture in my news feed, as my friend Donna shared that her grandson, Eric, would be getting baptized:

Could it be?  Eric Starkes would be turning 8.  I don't even know where the time went, as I have been watching this little boy grow up from a distance.  I feel connected to him, and I always will.  I held him once when he was 5 1/2 months old, and he will hold a piece of my heart forever.  The same fateful day that changed his life also changed mine.  At his baptismal service last Sunday, it amazed me that this sweet little boy doesn't even know how much he has affected my life (and the life of my husband and parents and so many others).  

I'll never forget the moment I saw him.  I was across the road at Azure's crash site.  Melody Whipple was on site first, and we arrived right after.  As we pulled up, there was a flipped car, dust in the air, and a person on the ground.  Melody had run up next to that person who ended up being Azure Starkes and called out to us, "I have a pulse!"  My dad and husband got out of our car first and ran over.  The next thing I knew, my husband was crawling through the smashed-out, back window of the upside-down car, and he pulled out a car-seat carrier.  Then he stood up and set it momentarily on the back of the vehicle and rocked the car-seat a back and forth, "Hello, Little Guy," he said.  I had instant heartbreak.  We all did. 

I couldn't believe there was a baby in that car!  But he was a miracle baby.  No scratch.  No cut.  No bruise.  Only dirt in his eyelashes.  Dirt that he didn't want me or my mom to help wash off.  So I just took him out of his car seat.  I held him, and hugged him.  I cried.  And we stood off to the side as we watched my dad and another man take turns performing CPR on Eric's mom Azure.  The mountain wind was blowing the tall yellow grass, and we just prayed and prayed that we could help to save this girl's life so she could raise her darling little boy, who was dressed in bright orange, Tigger, footie pajamas.  This perfect little boy with his large, innocent, wide eyes, and his calm Spirit.  Why was he so calm, when he had just been in a car that had flipped 10 times?  I wondered.  How was he calm while we were all trying to help his mom from dying?  How was he quiet while surrounded by strangers, and held by someone he didn't even know?  Looking back, the only answer to me is that angels were all around - probably even his Mommy Azure was right by his side through every moment at that crash site.  Maybe he could see those angels, and that's what helped him to be okay.

It was ages until the paramedics arrived.  I handed that sweet baby boy off so he could ride in the ambulance.  Apparently I shouldn't have taken him out of the car-seat...but I couldn't help it.  His mom was dying.  I had the frantic urge to hold him like he was my own little boy - and I felt the same love.  After baby and mommy left, it wasn't until later that we found out Azure was pronounced dead.  We have prayed for her family and for her son Eric ever since.

Even though looking back I definitely believe that every single, tiny thing at that crash site was all in a loving Heavenly Father's hands, and even though I know there's a grander purpose than we can understand, and even though we did every possible thing we could do for her, I still feel bad that we couldn't save Azure that day.  I still feel sad that she died.

But through the sadness some beautiful things have happened.

It is a huge blessing that Eric has been able to grow up with another mother in his life.  Brian found Ginger, who is a sweetheart, and I was so excited when she contacted me with the details for Eric's baptism.  It is a blessing that instead of growing up with a single dad and no mom, that Eric has been blessed with his Mommy Ginger to help raise him, and now he has 5 other siblings in the mix - 2 were Ginger's before meeting Brian, and 3 little brothers have come for Eric after.

Brian and Ginger are doing an amazing job raising their kids.  I was so impressed during the baptismal service, as Eric was being asked questions.  During one of the talks about the Holy Ghost, there were a lot of visual aids, and one of them was armor.  Donna asked him what armor would be used for.  "Battle," he replied.  Then she asked him what he might have to battle for.  "Freedom," he said without hesitation.  I was so impressed!  His answer made me want to teach my own kids better.  Freedom is the answer a true American heart would give.  Not to mention, freedom from bondage and sin is what we're fighting every day in this life - it's why we need to put on the armor of the Holy Spirit and turn to the Lord.

Also, later, the Bishop asked Eric to turn around and look at everyone who came.  The bishop asked Eric why he thought all those people were there.  A regular kid would give the surface answer - something like, "For my baptism."  That was the answer I was expecting to hear.  But Eric could feel deeper.  He said, "Because they love me."

It was so sweet.

When we all gathered next to the baptismal font to watch Eric make his covenant to follow the Lord, it was beautiful.  Melody - the same woman who hugged me so tightly when all I could do was cry at Azure's crash site, gave me her awesome faith-filled hug again, and she marveled with me - "From car seat to baptism" she said.  I couldn't say it better - her words summed up so much of what I felt & I know Melody feels the same way about this little boy - we were there together standing with him by his mom's side so many years ago. 

Donna came in and hugged us - it was hard for her.  Bittersweet, I'm sure.  As I have watched my own son grow, I have mourned for Azure that she couldn't be there in person to see similar milestones for Eric.  But as Donna is Azure's mother, I can only imagine the pain that comes from seeing all those milestones, each birthday, and especially this first and huge step in Eric's life to be baptized.  It's something we wish Azure could have been there in person for.  But without a doubt, we believe Azure was there Sunday night, standing at the sideline's right along with us to support Eric at his baptism.

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Mitchell and I were both so happy to go to the baptism on Sunday.  It was worth the drive, and as we left, my husband said, "That was really good!"  It was so important for us to be there - it's healing to see Eric thriving, and to be around all of these friends we now have who also feel like family.  I feel like Azure has brought us together with these wonderful people who feel like they were always meant to be in my life.  Azure has brought us so many friends.

Friends like Keith & Donna.  Keith & Donna treat us as family, and exude love like I've never known anyone to instantly extend love.  From the moment I met them, I felt like they knew me well and loved me all my life.  They have strong testimonies of the gospel & I'm glad Azure brought us together.

Friends like Kati. Kati and I have become friends during the last several years, and we talk through social media.  And because we were friends through Azure, when we miscarried together a year and a half ago, we were able to support to each other in that.  I think Kati is strong & faith filled, and and amazing mother to her 5 kids.

Friends like Brian & Ginger, and Eric.  We love to see these guys, and also in a way our families are also kind of like pen-pals.  Brian and Ginger & all their kids are so quick to smile - they are all so nice.  They're the kind of people who make you feel like you belong.  And as I said before, I think they are doing a great job raising all their kids, and I look up to them and their example.

Friends like Melody. Melody is calming, and strong, and kind.  She has great insights, and she always makes me feel good when I see her, and we stay in touch through facebook.  I hope I can achieve the same kind of constant Spirit that Melody always has with her.

Friends like Brandi.  Brandi called me after Azure died and talked to me, and we've run into each other in random places, and we also keep in touch.  I think she's beautiful & amazing.  She was the first one that found me last Sunday and talked to me to see how I'm doing - she's always like that & makes others feel important.

And Azure...she's our friend, too.  She's a girl I never really knew, but now I feel like I know her well.  I watched her from a distance when she was alive - I saw her in patriotic plays, but ever since I was at her crash site, I have felt close to her, like she was a forever friend.  I have grieved over her death as if I had been close to her even in life.  And every once in a while something will happen where I feel like she was involved in my own life, and also in helping bring people together and I will think, "Thanks, Azure."  We all love Azure.  We went to Eric's baptism for Eric, for Keith and Donna, for Brian & Ginger, and of course for Azure, too.

Eric's baptism was a happy event to witness, and I'm so honored we got to witness it standing on the side.

If You Host It, The Building Will Come

About 9 or 10 years ago, when we were still considered newlyweds, we lived on the ASU East Campus.  The Bishop of the Gateway Ward asked us to be Institute Liaisons.  We were told that if we could get the attendance up high enough, that the church would purchase land, and construct us an institute building that our ward would be able to meet in.  This calling surprised us, but it also seemed to fit us perfectly.  As Seminary & Institute graduates, Mitchell and I both already had a love for it.  Not to mention, THE INSTITUTE of RELIGION changed our lives forever.  I'll never forget the night I met my husband in February of 2004.  We were in Bro. Kivett's Tuesday night Book of Mormon class at the Chandler-Gilbert Institute.  Mitch was fresh off of his mission.  He had been home for only 5 days, when fate...okay, DIVINE PROVIDENCE, led us together at the Institute building.  I was the Student Body President of Chandler-Gilbert Community College, and on February 17th, we had an important district meeting down town.  When it was over, I decided to catch the last half of my Institute class.  What would you know?  Seconds after I slipped into the back of class, this newbie raised his hand and made some sort of comment about how we shouldn't be late.  THE AUDACITY - he had no idea what I had been through to get there that night!  After class, he introduced himself to me by saying, "How did you get that scar on your nose?"  STRIKE TWO!  What the heck?  Way to point out the one flaw I've been self-conscious about for my entire life!  STRIKE THREE happened when he asked me my name.  Except, that's where the Divine Providence stepped in again, because I didn't know until years later that he was actually making fun of me.  When I told him my name was Debra Jo Tenney, he responded with, "Well then, I'm Mitchell Jay Borden."  Apparently, he didn't immediately catch that I go by Debra-Jo.  He thought it was odd that I would give him my full name, so that's why he threw his full name back at me.  But I was too enamored with his handsome smirk, and the glorious ring of his name to even realize he was trying to be funny.

But I digress.

So when we were asked to be Institute Liaisons - that was the last thing we were expecting - for one thing, we didn't even know that was a calling in the church.  But that was okay - we were ready.  We made posters to chart our ward Institute goals & made incentives for attendance.  We advertised, and we worked to make it happen.  I'm not going to lie - sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get people there.  Some nights it didn't feel like we were making any progress.  We were also in a unique situation.  Across the LDS church, Institute is widely known as something for YOUNG SINGLE ADULTS, but we were living in a married or family ward.  Our demographic included people of all ages with families who were enrolled in school.  Even though it's not necessarily a rule, the culture in the area is that once you're married, you don't go to Institute anymore.  So that presented some challenges.  Looking back, I believe that for our ward in those days, the call to build up the institute program at the ASU East campus was more about obedience than anything else.

Here's a snapshot of what Institute at ASU East was like back then:

• We met in a classic campus house - they came in reddish orange, faded salmon, or yucky yellow, and the interior contained grocery-store tile flooring.  It's the kind of place you complain about living in, but then cry when you have to leave it.
• We cleaned dead cockroaches out of the tub & swept them up from corners in the house.
• When we tried to decorate, we couldn't use any of the external walls, because they were made of brick, so we could only hang pictures of Jesus on the interior walls...that is...until Mitchell Jay purchased some anchors, and used his awesome tools.
• All the windows were dark & tinted.
• We had florescent lighting throughout.
• The kitchen was where we ate refreshments.
• The Living Room is where we set up desks and a white board.
• One of the bed rooms was turned into a nursery in case parents needed to bring their kids & we took donated toys for the closet in that room.  The problem, however, is that the whole house had grocery tile flooring, so when kids would play or scream in the other room, it still echoed throughout the entire house.  I remember Deanna Rasmussen patting her pregnant belly during class one night as some one's little kiddo was screaming in the nursery room..."We're doing just fine," she said...happy that her next child was still contained in utero.
• One of the bedrooms was turned into an office for the Institute teacher.
• Another bedroom had rows of skinny tables that the relief society sometimes hosted activities in - I still have a little bag that I sewed from one of those activities.
• There were weeds in the front & back of the house & not many choices for parking.  Mitchell said he was told that the back "yard" of this house was the designated location for where the Institute building would go if we were ever able to meet the goal.
• We cleaned it up, but it still seemed a little run down - the rooms were a little too stark white, the noise traveled through the house a little too easily, it was simply the classic ASU East Campus Housing.
• Despite the location, however, there was joy, there was happiness, there was excitement, and the Spirit was present in our classes.  Friendships were made, and even though we met in a cold/white room, the feeling was warm. 
• Vernon Dickson would teach us lessons, Deana Rasmussen would sit and rub her pregnant belly gratefully while people who had crying babies were in the Nursery.  The Udall's, the Tryon's, the Shumway's, and many others would answer questions.  There were always great friends there, and we always left uplifted.  It was a beautiful place to be.  

I remember one night explaining to the Bishop & his wife why some people told me they would not be attending.  Some of them had just had babies in the last year, and so they couldn't make it.  That's when I learned from Deana, as I looked at her...a mom pregnant with her 6th child, her husband was called to be the BISHOP while he was still in a Master's Program of school.  They had every reason to not be attending the Institute classes, but they were there with us each week. Deanna said to me - "Life doesn't stop when you have a baby."   I've never forgotten that.  I'm grateful I had that experience with them at Institute, because I've been able to remember that at times in my life when I was tempted to sit back and sit out.  I've been able to remember the Rasmussen family and what they taught me through their selfless service and their commitment to be obedient even when it's not easy.  They always followed the Spirit, and they always chose to rely on the Lord for their support and their guidance.  They always chose to give of their time and talents whenever they could make it work - they were and are still CAN DO people, and I am sure their lives have been all the better, all the more beautiful, and yes, all the more crazy because of it.  But those are the kind of people I want to be like.

6 years ago, we left campus, and it seemed we were no where closer to having an Institute building - it seemed a little like we failed.  

But we didn't. 

My mom gave us a phone call this morning.  And I got a little lump in my throat.  Today is the day that the ASU East Polytechnic Campus Institute building was being dedicated.  We didn't fail. We remember the days when the vision was started.  We were invited to be a part of it.  The ball has continued to roll over the years, and now there's even a Young Single Adult STAKE with 9,000 individuals for this institute building to serve.  The Gateway Ward is even able to meet in this building as well - as was promised all those years ago, but this time the Nusery is carpeted to soak up the sound, and there's a mother's room (I felt as I walked through it, as if those rooms were made just for me).

Tonight we were able to take our kids to this special place - a place so important that the church sent an APOSTLE to dedicate it.  So many years ago, we didn't know how important our calling was - we just did our best.  All those years ago when we were told what COULD happen if we succeeded, but I didn't imagine how beautiful the building would be, or even that I would be able to attend the dedication and have my boys get to shake the hand of Neal L. Anderson.  He asked them their names.  Emmett & Tyson talked to him with shy faces and quiet voices, but Miles grinned and almost shouted to him, "Mine Miles!"

During the dedication I was amazed to see just HOW BIG this experience really is.  I thought of the wide influence this one place will be able to have in the world as lives are changed.  Hundreds and thousands of people will be able to come to the Institute building to learn about the Lord.  Perhaps even our own 4 boys will walk those halls in 20 years, and become all the better for it as they build upon their spiritual education.  I hope and pray all my children will attend and graduate from Institute and that they will make spiritual matters a priority in their lives.

  

Sometimes people think that "If you build it, they will come."  That might be true sometimes, but not always. In this instance, the opposite angle is true - If you host it (and keep trying despite the obstacles you might face) the building will come. Having a building first is not an indicator that a program will succeed.  In this instance, having a building is an indicator that over the last decade there has finally been success.  It goes to prove that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).  I am so happy that in our small way, Mitchell and I (and the others from the Gateway Ward), were able to do the part we were asked to do in order to contribute to this building and to this special day for the church in this area.

I'm so grateful for this day. I know that this ASU Institute building will be the means for our Institute program to continue to bring light and inspiration to those trying to come closer to Christ.  It's a place where friendships will be formed, and where testimonies will be strengthened.  It's a place where lives will be changed for the better, where people will learn obedience, and as this building will host many more functions for the young SINGLE adults, I believe that perhaps in this new building, maybe...just maybe, some more happily-ever-after stories will be started - just like what happened for me and my Mitchell Jay.

More Beautiful Than I Could Have Imagined

Our little Ace Carson was born last week--the day before the Easter Pageant performances began.  He had given us some false alarms, and I thought he would be born sooner - we even hoped that if he were born early, that he could possibly be Baby Jesus in the Easter Pageant.  But he didn't come until the last minute possible.  He was so brand new, and he was tiny, so last week I got to enjoy him at home while my husband and children performed in the Easter Pageant night after night.

After more than a week of this routine, I began to get tired of being home alone.  I was missing my family.  And not to mention, I was missing the Easter Pageant itself.   The Easter Pageant has been a large part of the way my family celebrates the Easter season - it has affected every Spring Season & Easter holiday for more than half of my life.  I have personally been a cast member 11 different times in the pageant.  To me, it just doesn't feel like Easter without the Easter Pageant.  So when I returned to the cast this week with my newborn baby, a lot of people called me crazy.  But I felt at home in the Easter Pageant cast, and I felt like the 517 other cast members understood me.  I didn't return to be in the pageant for attention.  I didn't do it to be crazy.  I didn't do it to make anyone look bad, or to make myself look good.  I returned on Thursday, because all I wanted to do was be a "follower of Christ" in the crowd.  Truthfully, it's something I needed to do, too.  I was watching the scripture stories I love come to life, and I was bearing testimony on stage with my family.  It felt so good.  

Not to mention, I found some newborn sandals that matched the baby's costume.  It would have been a shame to let those go to waste, so I simply had to return to the cast. 

On Good Friday, I had the routine with my scenes and the baby figured out enough that I got to sneak a few peaks of my husband portraying Peter.  It was so beautiful.  I love watching all of his scenes, but my favorite that night was getting to watch him run to the tomb.  When he exited the tomb, holding the burial cloths in his hand, I saw him say to the apostle John, "It's true!  It's true!"  I loved watching them run back to the other apostles to share the news.  

On Saturday night, we were given the opportunity to have Baby Ace play the part of Baby Jesus.  We dressed him in a white onesie with white pants.  My husband and I met behind stage with Mary and Joseph, who wrapped him up in a white blanket from Bethlehem.  We prayed together that the Spirit would be able to work through us to reach out to the audience.  They took took my baby boy to the manger scene, and a kind Stage Crew man told us where we should stand to get a good view.  We had the best seat in the house. From the first flicker of the lantern light I could hardly hold back the tears.  I felt like I was in Bethlehem that night.  I saw the shepherds on stage - I didn't know I could take a picture, so I didn't have my camera.  But honestly, I don't think I could have captured what I saw and felt watching the shepherds greet the Baby Jesus.  I wish I could explain the looks on their faces.  One shepherd in particular was standing, and as Joseph took my baby to him, he really looked like he was meeting Baby Jesus for the first time - his face was glowing and sincere.  And then there was a darling little boy, named Devlin who has been in my Easter Pageant family group before, and he was so cute meeting the Baby Jesus.  Another little boy was holding a lamb, and as he looked at the Baby Jesus, my baby's face was about an inch away from the lamb.  I was a little surprised and thought - "Well, that's the first time he's met a lamb!"  I, of course, was concerned about  temporal things - how animals are cute, but also dirty.  I thought about how Mary may have felt while sharing her brand new baby from the get-go with strangers and shepherds, and even sheep.  I wondered at that, but my husband had a better mind-set.  He looked to spiritual things.  Lambs without blemish were used for sacrifices, and at the manger scene was the sacrificial lamb for all mankind.  He marveled at how symbolic it was to have lambs there to meet the Lamb of God.  

Mary and Joseph held my baby so tenderly, and Joseph calmed him tenderly when he cried. My Baby Ace's face was so darling in the lights as he furrowed his brow, and had wide eyes in the lights.  His feet were so cute kicking around in the manger.  Then Joseph scooped him up and shared the baby with the shepherds with such fatherly love, excitement, and kindness.  It was so beautiful.  When we met Mary and Joseph after the scene they told me how neat it was to have a baby so fresh from Heaven to do the scene that night.  And the kind stage crew lady who guided us from the beginning, kept my baby baby bundled in the beautiful blanket they used on stage.  She told me to keep it - that it was from Bethlehem.  And then I just cried more.  I could hardly compose myself for about half of the pageant last night.  It was such a beautiful experience.  I didn't think my baby would be able to be Baby Jesus at all, and we were okay with that.  But then for it to work out for him to be Baby Jesus, on the closing night, no less, to close out the entire Easter Pageant Season, and to feel the Spirit so powerfully, was more than I could have hoped for or asked for, it was actually far more beautiful than I could have imagined.  

While the stage crew lady who guided us told us part way through the scene that we could and should take a picture - this picture doesn't do it justice.  For one thing, you can see the stage flooring in this picture.  But you should know this. Last night, there was no stage and there were no floor markings.  Last night, standing in the wings, the only thing I could see was Bethlehem.  And still even now, just thinking about it, I can feel Bethlehem from that sacred moment in time.  It was so moving.

I love Easter.  It means so much to me, and I am grateful, honored, and humbled at all the ways we've been able to have the message of Jesus Christ's love, life, and sacrifice sink so much more deeply into our hearts this year.  I know He lives.

Babies in Heaven & Dealing with Grief (Part 3 - When the Spirit Enters the Body)

ADDRESSING THEORIES AND MY PERSONAL TAKE

THE QUESTION OF ALL QUESTIONS:  WHEN DOES THE SPIRIT ENTER THE BODY?

"The Quickening"-
      Some people believe that a child counts as a child once the mother feels the "quickening".  A standard time frame I've heard for mothers being able to feel the quickening is somewhere between 18 and 24 weeks.  If it's not your first pregnancy, that time table is moved back a little sooner.  On my current pregnancy, I happen to have an anterior placenta.  This caused me a lot of distress because I couldn't feel the baby moving for a long time - for a while I felt like it stopped me from "bonding" with my baby in the way I wanted to.  I couldn't feel him for at least a month and a half later than when I could feel my other boys moving.  The placenta was positioned in a way that prevented me from feeling him move - it was like a giant cushion or pillow between me and my baby's kicks.  Even now, my doctor sometimes has to put the Doppler device to the side of where my placenta is to get a good heart beat reading.  Once we saw our first 3D ultrasound at 16 weeks, we could see our little guy moving all over the place, even though I didn't feel him.  So let's just say that feeling the "quickening" is nice & helpful, but it's not always an accurate measurement of whether or not the child is alive and has a Spirit in there.  I absolutely believe that the Spirit enters far before the mother can physically feel the quickening.  How unfair is it to tell a mother who lost their child before they could actually feel it move that their child doesn't count?  What if they had an anterior placenta like I did?  That doesn't mean their child wasn't alive!


The Breath of Life Theory
          Some people believe that once a child has taken a breath, THEN the soul enters the body.  How entirely non-comforting is that to someone who loses a child before they had a chance to take one breath    outside of the womb? (By the way, I have a friend who lost her daughter like that - a day or two before she was supposed to deliver...she had a full term pregnancy, but her baby never got to take a breath).

           Having the Spirit enter the body upon taking a breath is a point far later than "the quickening" theory.  Although I personally believe the quickening theory to be an inaccurate measurement of when life enters the body, I still find it far more desirable than this one.  Whenever a baby moves, there is NOTHING the expectant mother does in order to make that happen.  The child's movement is done completely on their own and the mother has no control over their movement.  People who believe the Spirit doesn't enter the body until the baby takes a breath are in denial.

       Furthermore, why would a breath of Oxygen outside the womb count more than the amniotic fluid that babies breathe inside the womb?  If you were to say that a breath is constituted by the movement of the lungs, this kind of movement actually happens in the womb far before birth.  In my opinion, a baby breathing amniotic fluid (as well as the child's own movement) disproves the "breath of life = the soul of man" theory.


Your Miscarried Spirits Being Born to Other People....

        Of all theories, this is the one that I reject ENTIRELY.

        Some believe that when a woman has a miscarriage, the Spirit that was supposed to go to that fetus will go to another one - either the mother's next child, or to some other mother's child.

         When my sister in law, Felicia, miscarried twins, my other sister-in-law, Lara was pregnant with twins shortly after.  Someone said to Felicia, "Looks like she got your twins."  Yikes!  How unfeeling is a comment like that?  I'm sure it wasn't intended, but what an awful theory!  Felicia felt right away that is NOT what happened with the twins she lost, and I agree with her.  Lara's darling twins are our darling nephews, and the twins that Felicia lost are different people.

        With the order of my miscarriages and with the genetic testing that allowed us to have more information, if it really was God's plan for the miscarried children to go to the next pregnancies I had, then why wouldn't I have at least a girl and a boy in the mix of my 1st three children?  It's because those were DIFFERENT people.

        Within the last year, I was speaking to some mothers who have miscarried in the 2nd trimester - their babies were pretty far along.  They seemed to be unsure what happened to those babies and thought possibly that those babies could be out somewhere in the the world right now in other families.  When I heard this possibility coming from their lips and heard them explain why they would be okay with this, they said - IF this is what the Lord wanted for those children, and if it was in His plan to get them to earth somehow for the purposes they needed to fulfill in the world--even if it meant going to another family--then they would want what's best for that child, and they would be okay with that.  For the first time ever, I looked at this theory in a new light & realized that this idea can come from SELFLESSNESS.  Selflessness is a desirable trait, and I do admire them for that.  Whether or not that actually happened to the Spirit of the child that was lost, in their heart of hearts, they are walking with faith in God's purposes by looking at it this way.

        However, I still reject the theory.  It sounds like reincarnation to me, and I do not believe in reincarnation:  "To Latter-day Saints, the physical body is sacred"  (I will add that the body is sacred, no matter how tiny that body may be.) "One of the primary reasons we entered mortality was to gain a physical body. It is not only a great blessing now, but also a prerequisite to exaltation and eternal life hereafter." - https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/08/i-have-a-question?lang=eng  
        This website continues by further explaining: "Reincarnation denies the entire purpose of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Those who believe that spirits and gods can repeatedly inhabit a variety of physical forms do not take into account Christ’s mission and the purpose of the Atonement. For a person who believes in reincarnation, Christ would be but one manifestation of a temporarily embodied savior—one of many possible incarnations.  To accept this premise would be to repudiate the most fundamental teaching of the gospel—that there was a single, unique act of redemption made by the Lord Jesus Christ. By denying the ultimate importance of the Atonement and of Christ’s mercy and love, those who believe in reincarnation fail to see the Savior in his rightful position as King of Kings and Lord of Lords—the only name given whereby we can be saved. (SeeD&C 18:23.)" 


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BELIEF OPENS THE DOOR TO MORE UNDERSTANDING


SO WHEN DOES THE SPIRIT ENTER THE BODY?

• When you start to believe, you quit fearing the questions you don't have the concrete answers to.  Last summer (after my 4th miscarriage), I started to get brave with exploring this topic further. I dared to ask my doctor what he thought about life after death in regards to miscarried children.  I told him that on my pregnancies where I have heard heart beats and seen arms and legs moving, that I hands down believed they'll be in Heaven, but I wasn't sure about the other pregnancies that were earlier that I couldn't see.  I specifically wanted to know his opinion on chemical pregnancies - would those count, too?  I wasn't sure when the Spirit entered the body, and when it would "count" as a person for the promise to be able to raise them in the resurrection.  He assured me that even in a chemical pregnancy, a sperm fertilizes an egg, and you really are pregnant.  He said he's inclined to believe that "counts", too, "Because," he said, "What we're talking about here is MERCY and GRACE at its finest."  He glanced at my chart and said, "And by the looks of it...you're going to be busy."  :)  

• I have a friend, Amanda B., who had 2 children, and then 9 miscarriages all in a row.  She had another miracle baby after all the losses, and is once again currently expecting her 4th baby a few weeks after I have mine.  At a church camp-out we were talking & she told me that in order to be able to deal with all those losses, she HAS to believe that she has 9 kids waiting in Heaven for her.  As we talked further, I asked her if she saw heart beats, or anything like that in the ultrasounds with those babies, but she hadn't.  As I listened to her & her faith in things she couldn't see, I realized just how faithless it was of me to with-hold belief in regards to the 2 babies I didn't get to "see".  The miracle of technology is wonderful and has opened the door to my belief in having those kids again someday, because when the girl and boy I lost were on the screens, I could see them move, and I knew they were their own separate little beings.  But technology isn't everything.  Just because you don't have the opportunity to "see" doesn't mean they're not real little people.  Going back to the beginning of my thoughts on this post....when I said that when you are pregnant, you FEEL something different inside you, and when that child is lost, you feel EMPTY...I believe that "feeling" is the Spirit of that child being with you from the very beginning of their life.  EVERY pregnancy I have had has felt DIFFERENT from the others even at the beginning stages - I believe that's because every child's Spirit is unique.  

•  It's interesting to me that I had such a hard time believing in hope for my own miscarried children, when I've always had a deep and abiding argument against abortion - my uncertainty in the matter of miscarried children was actually contradictory to my belief in what happens to aborted babies.  A harrowing fear is at the forefront of my personal feelings on abortion:  I would never dare to have one myself, because I would never want to face that aborted child in the after-life and have to realize the horror of what I'd done to end the life of another person.  Also, because of the grief I've experienced through miscarriage - an experience that no one could prepare me for - I know without a doubt that no one really prepares women who choose to have an abortion for the grief they will experience.  Once you're a mother, you're always a mother, and aborting a baby will NOT take away your feelings.  Those women WILL experience loss even though they chose to end the pregnancy...maybe ESPECIALLY because they chose to end the pregnancy.  Abortion is a counterfeit - abortion promises peace for mistakes, but perpetuates grief in harder ways.  As similar as some think abortion and miscarriage may be in the "natural" course of life & death, they simply are not the same because of the choice factor that's involved.  I do try to not harbor feelings against people who have abortions--at times that has been hard because I have offered to adopt the child of more than one friend who has chosen abortion instead.  I believe that if women truly understood what they were doing, that they would never choose abortion. I do believe that the Lord can heal them of those mistakes, but the grief of a choice like that is something I would never want myself or anyone I love to have to carry.

A DOCTRINAL BASED OPINION ON WHEN THE SPIRIT ENTERS THE BODY:

(Image of Mary & Elisabeth from lds.org)

• This last Fall, my husband and I happened to be reading in the New Testament for our daily scripture study.  We came to the story of Mary &  Elisabeth in Luke Chapter 1.  We were at the part where the angel Gabriel visits Mary, and she consents to carry the Savior by saying she is the handmaid of the Lord. During the visit she was also told that Elisabeth was in her 6th month of pregnancy.  Mary went to visit Elisabeth (WITH HASTE) and was there for 3 months - there is speculation on whether or not she was at the birth of John the Baptist or whether or not she left to go back with her family by then.  The point is that because of the timing of her visit and the duration of her stay with Elisabeth, Mary was actually in the 1st Trimester with Jesus--not just at ANY time in her 1st trimester, but at the beginning of it--as she arrived to visit.  This was a critical realization for me, because John the Baptist LEAPED in Elisabeth's womb upon Mary's arrival at the beginning of her 1st trimester.  This brought me comfort and confirmed my belief that the Spirit enters the body at the beginning of pregnancy.  Why else would John the Baptist leap with so much joy at meeting His Savior? Even with just a salutation from Mary, when these cousins in the womb were close enough, he felt the Spirit & presence of His Savior.  How powerful.  How beautiful!  How much more cause for me to believe that all my 1st trimester losses (even the very early ones) will "count" for the promise to be able to raise them in the resurrection. 

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As I said before - because I have allowed my heart to open up to belief (not just hope), I have become more confident in my stance on the matter.  I believe that there IS life after death for miscarried babies, and I am happy that I can finally say I truly believe that.  True belief has lifted my burden of grief and brought me closer to the Savior.  I'm finding that this belief is also allowing me to strengthen others instead of letting them flounder in doubt and uncertainty as I did for so long hunting for evidences and answers.  My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ has grown, and I am not afraid of being wrong anymore.  I'm not afraid that believing in life-after-death for miscarried babies will lead me to heartache if I were to find this to be erroneous.  I believe the Lord has given me enough evidences to know that I am not wrong to believe in this.  And while without a doubt I believe there is a Spirit in a tiny body once there is a heartbeat, I still believe that the Spirit enters sooner than when you can see it, because of the way you feel when you're pregnant with a little soul.  BUT EVEN IF I WERE TO BE WRONG about that short 2 week window, I am not afraid anymore, because I believe with all my heart in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know that He will make up EVERY loss and pain we've ever experienced in our lives.  I know that He will "wipe away tears from all faces" (Isaiah) and I know that day will be more amazing than we can now imagine.  I know He knows that I have lost 4 babies - no matter how tiny some of the babies were, and I know without a doubt that He will make that up to me & my husband.  The words of my doctor ring true to my heart: "What we're talking about here is MERCY & GRACE at its finest."  

It is my testimony that it is so much easier on your heart to let yourself believe. If you can open your heart to belief, you will heal faster as you let the Lord help you carry your grief.  

It is better when you choose to believe.

(Part 3 of 3)

Babies In Heaven & Dealing with Grief (Part 2 - Emotions & Coping)

HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF - Emotions, the Grief Cycle, & Lessons from Natalie


GRIEF CAN MAKE YOU FEISTY IN A REAL EMERGENCY

July 2014, Friday afternoon 1pm, my doctor was out of town.  I walked into my laundry room and smelled something that made me nauseous.  That was weird.  Uh-oh.  Why was I nauseous?  I took the 4th pregnancy test in the last week or so.  This one was positive.  I had a few business hours left - maybe I could save this one.  Started praying.

I called the after hours line for my doctor - spoke to someone in another office who is contracted to take over his after-hours calls.  "I'm pregnant, and I miscarry a lot.  It's day 38, and I just had a positive pregnancy test, so I don't know exactly how far along I am.  AS SOON as I find out I'm pregnant, my doctor orders blood work and puts me on progesterone.  I need to have a doctor order me a blood test before Sonora Quest closes, and I need to get hormone pills by the end of the day."

"Well, I'm sorry, Ma'am.  Your doctor's office is closed."  (SERIOUSLY? If it were open, I wouldn't be calling the after hours line.)  "The best advice I have to give you is that if there's any bleeding you should go to the Emergency Room."

"With all due respect, if there's any bleeding this weekend, it will be too late, and we won't be able to save the baby.  That's not advice that will help me.  I need to get a hold of a doctor.  Are you a doctor?"

"No, but this is the emergency line, and if there's bleeding that's what you should do."

"This is not the first time I've been through this.  When I find out I'm pregnant, it IS an emergency, because if we don't act fast I can lose it.  This is my 8th pregnancy, and I only have 3 kids to show for it.  Are you saying that if I lose this baby over the weekend, that I can blame your office for it, because you weren't willing to help me?

"Uh, no that's not what I'm saying."

"Then I need you to either get me in touch with my doctor, or the doctor on call."

"Well, I'll try, but your doctor is out of town...."

No joke.  30 seconds later she called back with surprise in her voice, because my doctor actually answers his phone on vacation.  She said she gave him my phone number and he would call me personally.  And he did call--just a couple of minutes later.  He listened & sent me straight to the lab - he told me we might run into trouble, because there was no one at the office to fax in the orders, but to have them call him when I was there, and he'd see what we could do.

At the lab, there was a run around of course.  They wouldn't call him - they made ME call him.  He was surprised to hear my voice & made me hand over the phone.  I can only imagine what he said, because in seconds the lady at the front changed her tune.  She first tried telling my doctor what he had to do, and ended by saying, "Yes, sir, I'll fax that to you."  I tried not to smirk.

About 30 minutes before the lab closed on that day, I had my blood drawn, a prescription, some anxiousness as I had to wait for results, and I just kept praying that the baby would make it - I didn't want to lose another one.

Here we are.  I'm due any day now, and I am able to credit God & my doctor for saving my baby's life on that very first and critical day that I discovered I was expecting.  I know that God hears and answers prayers, because the doors that were stopped for me were opened, and everything fell into place to get this baby what he needed so that he can make it.

There's something that still makes me cringe, though, about having to say, "This is my 8th pregnancy, but I only have 3 children."  I really hate saying that.  Just 2 weeks ago I had to go to the hospital because of decreased fetal movement so they could monitor the baby & I had to explain all over again when my miscarriages were, when my live births were.  I will be happier when I'm able to tie it up again with a 4th live birth.

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THE GRIEF CYCLE

Whenever you experience loss, there is an emotional grief cycle.  My husband and I started to get worn out from the roller-coaster of emotions you experience with loss.  For a while I thought I was going crazy, until I was given a book about grief.   Then I realized I wasn't going crazy - I was normal!  There are stages to grief.  You can feel all these feelings in any given order, you can feel several of these feelings at one time.  You can cycle through, think you've dealt with it, but then find yourself back on a previous stage.  Everyone's process is different, but everyone goes through it in one way or another.  Here are some stages I pieced together - some from memory...some from Google. :)

1) Shock & Denial
2) Pain & Guilt (I felt so incredibly guilty with my 1st loss.  Logically I knew it wasn't my fault, but I still felt guilt, and so did my husband.  It was so hard to cope with.  We felt guilt again with the others, but we were able to work through it better as we knew we were doing everything in our power to keep the pregnancies.)
3)  Anger & Bargaining  

• (Anger is a slippery slope.  It's a natural emotion & some even find it helpful depending on their circumstance.  But for me, ANGER itself was the most destructive in the grief cycle & it brought me down the lowest.  There was a moment in time that surprised even me where my anger with the situation shifted to being angry AT GOD.  I honestly think I was only angry AT Him for a day or two when  I finally told myself, "I can't be mad at the only One who can actually help me."  I knew I needed Him & that I couldn't get what I needed from Him by being angry AT Him.  I consciously shifted my emotions & tried to let go of the anger all together. However, even after I chose to not be angry with God anymore, I felt like that anger broke down parts in my testimony - it seemed to take a long time to repair the damage in my testimony that my anger towards God broke down.  Having even a short time of being angry WITH GOD as opposed to being angry with the situation, caused me to have more questions and work through more disbelief in areas of my faith that I had never had issues with before.  Even thought I never quit believing in Him, I think was somewhere between 9 to 12 months before I felt like I had worked through all the weak places in my testimony that were caused by even just a couple days of Anger that was directed towards God.  It was an important lesson to me to be careful with anger.  Move through anger as quickly as you can before it destroys other things in your life.)

4) Depression/Reflection/Loneliness
5) Upward Turn
6) Reconstruction & Working Through
7) Acceptance & Hope

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HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF IN THE BEST WAYS - 3 LESSONS FROM NATALIE

1) VALIDATE THE EXPERIENCES OF OTHERS & VALIDATE YOUR OWN:  Have you ever known anyone who takes the approach that "You have NO IDEA what they've been through?"  In anything they've ever experienced, what they have gone through is always worse than what you could comprehend?   Usually those same people refuse to listen to you far enough to truly care what you've been through and they can't see how you're trying to help them, because they dismiss what you've experienced as being less.  I have decided that people who take that approach to life really just isolate themselves.  It is true that we all have different experiences, and it is also true that at any given time we may or may not understand the exact path another had trodden, but I personally believe that we're all here on earth to learn the same lessons, even if our paths teach us those lessons through different means.

After Natalie lost McKay, I wanted to help her, and I wanted to share something with her that I had learned through my experiences with grief.  Because I'd had miscarriages & felt like McKay's situation was different because she actually got to hold him & had to bury him, I said to her, "Now what you've been through is worse...but I just wanted to share something that might help you."  Natalie, in all of her kindness, stopped me mid-track and exclaimed, "Oh, please don't ever say that!  What you've been through can be worse, because you never got to hold your baby."  For the first time in my experiences trying to cope with miscarriage, Natalie validated my pain more than anyone else ever had - including myself.  When she validated my pain, she helped me to validate my own - all these years I've been trying to say - "It could be worse - this or that person has it harder - it wasn't as bad as it could have been because....."  I even minimized it and would say to myself, "I shouldn't be having a hard time with this...."  And while it could have been worse, the truth of the matter is it's still been hard.  Trying to look at the bright side CAN be helpful in seeing your own blessings, but validating your own pain as well as the pain of others can open the door to more healing.  

2) LESSONS FROM BABY CHARLOTTE

I feel so sad for the DeTemple's.  They have had more extreme heartbreak this year.  I finally felt ready to try again for a baby last year, and I couldn't believe it, but they were ready to try again shortly after they lost McKay.  Once again, we were pregnant together, and we encouraged each other through some scary early days & complications of pregnancy.  We gave each other hope, and prayed for each other's babies to make it.  We've both learned in some of the same ways and in different ways that as a mother you should savor each moment of life that you can while you're pregnant, because it's time with that one individual person you're mothering - and they're still special whether or not they make it to a full term birth.  The time you have with them - no matter how long, is a gift.  We were supposed to have babies who made it full term just a few weeks apart later this year.  But once again, the unthinkable has happened, and Justin & Natalie have lost their next baby.  Her name was Charlotte Celeste.  She made it farther than McKay, but she was born too soon.  My little baby boy moves and kicks like crazy, but the night that Charlotte died, he didn't.  Truly, in my heart, I believe that our children are friends, and that he was sad for Charlotte that night.  We all were.

We attended Charlotte's funeral service & Natalie offered to let me hold her baby.  I wouldn't have asked to hold Charlotte at the funeral home, because I had my own personal reservations about death & personally felt like it would be too morbid or too hard to do.  Not to mention it was Natalie & Justin's time to grieve over their daughter. I figured holding a baby at the mortuary would feel similar and/or worse than the way I had felt when I lost my babies to miscarriage.  I never would have asked to hold Charlotte.  But to my surprise after the service, Natalie offered, and handed her baby to me.  What amazed me was that initially it was something I thought that I wouldn't want to experience.  But what I learned in those few minutes of holding Charlotte, is that somehow, it made all of those reservations about death seem "okay" - I can't even explain what I mean, because I can't craft the words, but what I do know is that when I held her cute little 12 oz body with wrinkly skin & and looked at her cute mouth, eyes, nose, and hair bow...I could feel in that moment that there is peace in regards to what will be.  I felt that it was actually a beautiful and rare opportunity to hold a little angel baby in a circumstance like that, and I'm so grateful Natalie shared that experience with me.  Charlotte is a real person, and she is not gone forever.   (Image from Charlotte's Service from Natalie's facebook).


We sang a gorgeous arrangement of Silent Night at Charlotte's service - I will always think of her when I hear the melody - "Sleep in Heavenly Peace".

Silent Night, Holy Night,
All is calm, All is Bright...
Round Yon Virgin, Mother & Child -
Holy Infant so Tender and Mild....
Radiant Beams from Thy Holy Face...
With the dawn of Redeeming Grace...

Because of the Lord Jesus Christ, we can know that all is calm and all is bright.  We can know that lost babies sleep in heavenly peace.  And we can know that the dawn of Redeeming Grace is what saves us from forever heartache in parting.  Jesus was born to save us from the pain of losing children.

3) DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES ARE NOT ALWAYS DIFFERENT

One last example of how Natalie opens her heart to others is an example like none other I've ever seen. She validates the experiences of others even if it's different.  In turn, she receives companionship and healing, instead of isolation in her grief.  She posted this as she left the hospital in January:

"My brave and beautiful sister Katie placed 2 babies for adoption and she knows what it's like to leave the hospital with empty arms and no baby in the back seat (On TWO separate occasions just like I've had to do). She told me not to leave the hospital with empty arms, so I didn't. Thanks sis for your love, example, and expert advice. 

I'm so BEYOND thankful for my little miracle Lincoln, that he could fill my arms as I did the thing no parent or mother should ever have to do, leave your baby behind."

When I read this post of Natalie's, I just cried.  An onlooker may have looked at these two sisters and their situations and thought the experiences were opposite.  But how beautiful that Natalie validated the pain her sister experienced, and that Katie validated the pain Natalie experienced; together they could find healing in the traumatic part of their experiences that was exactly the same.  Both of these women are very courageous.

Taking this approach to grief is what Christ would have us to do.  It's the way He meant it to be. It's non-condemning.  It's selfless. And it's strengthening.  In this fashion we can learn from each other, and in this way He helps show us that we are NOT alone.  Even though our paths might seem different, there are similarities that remove isolation and bring us closer to each other and closer to God.  If we will allow it, He will ease our burdens and heal our hearts - and some of the best healing He can offer to us comes from those around us.  We need to remember that strengthening others also strengthens ourselves.


Instead of saying to others, "You have no idea what I've been through", may we find what's the same and uplift each other through whatever pain we might experience.


(Part 2 of 3)

Babies in Heaven & Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage (Part 1)

HOW IT FEELS

When you are an expectant mom, it is the craziest and most beautiful feeling to have a little person growing inside of you.  But when you lose a pregnancy, it's the worst feeling in the world to have something (someone) dead inside of you.  It's morbid.  It's sad & depressing.  It is distinctly different than when you can "feel the glow" of life in pregnancy.

Before it was actually confirmed in the ultrasounds at the doctor's office, I can actually tell you where I was when I knew in my heart that I lost my babies and that the bad news was coming.  Every once in a while, when I am back in those places, I will remember those days, and I still cry.

I have lost babies at 5, 7, 9, & 11 weeks, and while I have grieved differently over each, the initial feeling of loss is always the same.  My friend Stephanie McGuire described it the best - she said that "You feel empty."

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HOPE VS. BELIEF

In the book, "Mere Christianity", C.S. Lewis comments that it takes more faith to be an atheist than it does to believe in God.  Being a believer all my life, I always thought that was a deep and insightful paradox.  What I didn't realize when I read that 10 years ago, is that when life's trials hit you from the blindside, it can try your faith in deep ways.  I know what he means, now.  Even though I have never stopped believing in the Lord, for many years in regards to my losses of miscarriage, I was guarding my heart from actually believing what the Spirit was trying to whisper to my heart.

I asked my parents what happens to the babies in miscarriages & they told me there's not a lot of doctrine on it, so they didn't know.  I didn't particularly find that comforting in the slightest, but I didn't hear much from anyone else or find much in research that brought me any more comfort.

If you've ever only hoped something, you will know it's not like faithful belief.  After I lost my first 3 pregnancies, it hurt so much that I was afraid to believe a lot of things about those babies, so I guarded my heart from believing in a future of life after death for them. It's like if I believed those babies would really be mine again someday, and then if I were to find out I was wrong in believing that, it would hurt even more.  My heart couldn't take that, so I didn't let myself believe.  I only HOPED.

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THE LORD INVITES US TO BELIEVE

I even had some personal & miraculous experiences that the Lord gave me to help me, but I was still afraid to believe.  I have held these experiences close to my heart & pondered them over the years and have only shared them with a close few; I have only recently felt to share them on my personal, but public blog.  It is my hope in sharing these personal experiences that someone - close friend or stranger - might be uplifted and encouraged as they face their own similar journey of loss through miscarriage (or death of any sort) & the trial of faith that ensues.



MY FIRST CALL TO BELIEVE

The first experience happened before I ever had children.  I was at church, and it was Mother's Day.  I wasn't even married, yet.  As all the little children stood up to sing a special song to their mothers, I had this short but distinct vision in my mind's eye of 3 children singing to me.  It touched my heart so much, and I was overwhelmed.  One of the kids was a girl.  One was a boy.  And one seemed a little fuzzy - like I couldn't tell if it was a girl or boy.  But without a doubt, the impression was that those were my future children - I could feel that they loved me, and I knew they were going to be amazing.  It was an experience that happened out of the blue & I wasn't looking for anything like that.  But after I had that experience, I looked forward to my future family even more than I ever had before.

Imagine the conflict I felt as I lost baby after baby.  I thought I was going to be a mom.  But would I ever have kids if I kept losing them?  When the Lord blessed me with the gift of a child who made it to birth, I figured I would have a girl first (probably because of my Mother's Day impression) - wrong again!

The miracle is that while I have a family now and there are no girls in it, I did happen to have genetic studies done on 2 of my miscarriages.  We were trying to find out why I was losing babies even though we were doing everything we could to save them.  The first pregnancy was lost at home before I realized I had a problem keeping babies, so we couldn't get studies done.  The 2nd pregnancy was a little girl.  She had lymph node and heart problems.  Even though my doctor was doing everything he could do by monitoring my blood work and hormones to help me stay pregnant, if she had even made it to birth, she wouldn't have lived past a year.  The 3rd pregnancy was a little boy.  He had Trisomy 13, and his life expectancy also would have made for a difficult journey and a short life - likely a year or less.  Finding out the "reasons" was supposed to make it better.  Having genetic studies on the embryos was supposed to make everything make sense, but it didn't.  I just felt the same.  It still hurt.  I was still sad.  But looking back now, I cannot deny that the beautiful impression I had so many years ago on Mother's Day was to bring me comfort.  How beautiful that those first 3 miscarriages were exactly like my impression!  One was a girl.  One was a boy.  And one...I just didn't know.



MY SECOND CALL TO BELIEVE

The second miraculous experience happened to me on the day that my adopted Grandfather, Andrew Ferrante, died.  Andrew is a man who has touched my heart and changed my life; I loved him as much as my own biological grandpas.  He used to sit across the street on his driveway in a folding chair and watch airplanes.  I'd walk outside, we'd chit chat, and he always made me laugh.  He grew up in New York & was the son of a boot-legger.  He'd been married twice before and lost each wife at young ages, and his 3rd marriage was to my adopted Grandmother Diana.  They were hilarious together, and they fought about who had a better Italian heritage like you would not believe.  One day I was seriously worried about the quality of their marriage as they were screaming about Cicily & Naples - she was calling him a chauvinist and I couldn't believe what they were saying to each other.  That's when Andrew angled his body at me so she couldn't see his face, and he WINKED.  Whew!  All of that was just a game for them!  They were so funny.

Andrew - as devote as he was in his Catholic faith - and as long as he had ever believed in God, was afraid to die.  I have never seen anyone so afraid to die.  When I got the news, I was out of town at the Whiting Homestead - 4 hours away.  I was heartbroken, upset, and worried for Andrew because I knew he was afraid of death.  I got on my knees, and I prayed my heart out for him and for his family.  With a twinge of a "just maybe" I asked God that IF there was ANYONE in Heaven that I might be in charge of (you know - like maybe the kids I lost)...maybe...just maybe...could He send them to Andrew to give him comfort so he wouldn't be afraid in the after life?

A miracle occurred just a couple hours later, my sister-in-law and I crossed paths with Chris Aberoa as she was walking among the cabins.  Somehow - I don't even remember how - but somehow we ended up talking about babies with Trisomy 13.  She had a child with Trisomy 18 who had passed away, and said there were many similarities between the two conditions.  She said she had met several kids with Trisomy 13, and that they were just the sweetest.  She showed me pictures, and taught me so much about what my son would have been like, and how it would have been like to raise my child like that.  I could feel my heart healing as we spoke for at least an hour or more - out of the blue - 4 hours away from home - with a distant relative who was at that time an acquaintance to me - a random coincidence?  No way.  I felt like God & like my adopted grandfather, Andrew, were trying to communicate back to me after the prayer I had spoken just a couple hours before.

Even then, however, I still hurt, and I remember consciously choosing my words carefully as I ended my conversation with Chris: "I HOPE to see those kids someday."

I knew I shouldn't be, but I was still afraid to truly believe.




MY THIRD CALL TO BELIEVE

The last miraculous moment that happened to me came last year in June.  My friend, Natalie DeTemple, and her husband Justin, had been through the unthinkable.  Natalie and I actually miscarried together in November of 2013.  That had been a shocker for both of us.  I thought Mitchell & I had "figured out" how to have kids.  Especially because after my first 3 losses, I had 3 beautiful baby boys in a row without a glitch.  So why would I lose another pregnancy now?  Why were my hormones all out of whack?  What new issue would be causing this?  With Natalie - she had a beautiful baby boy with a practically text book pregnancy - why would she lose her 2nd pregnancy?  As much as we didn't want to experience it, it was comforting to have someone going through the same thing at the same time - the same week even - so we could rely on each other.

They were ready to try again a lot sooner than Mitch and I were.  I actually had 3 friends total who lost pregnancies with me in November, and it was the strangest thing - they were all expecting another child & were all due in October of 2014.  I was happy for them, though, and expected everything to go well.

It did go well for everyone else, but not for Natalie.  She ended up having complications and she lost her baby, McKay, far too soon.  I called it a stillbirth.  It wasn't until just recently that I found out he was born before the technical definition of a stillborn.  Medically, some may classify his death as a miscarriage.  But he was a fully developed little person - so I don't know how that is considered a miscarriage.  Miscarriage is a bad word anyway.  What's it supposed to really mean?  But truthfully, the difference between a stillbirth and a miscarriage had meant a lot to me, because the only comforting quotes I had ever heard about lost babies were in reference to stillbirths.  Because of that, I excluded myself from the promises and comfort allowed to those grieving parents until I was at McKay's funeral service.

I watched Natalie hold him.  I listened to all the talks.  My husband was there with me.  Unexpectedly, during the musical number, I felt stronger than I've ever felt in my entire life in regards to this topic as I had a sudden personal impression:  Some of the babies I lost were just a few weeks behind McKay - I saw and HEARD their hearts beating - I SAW their arms & legs moving on the ultrasounds - so if all these promises of hope in the after-life would apply to him - why wouldn't they apply to my babies?  As I accompanied a song that was meant to bring the DeTemple's comfort, my eyes welled up with tears, and my heart healed in a way that I didn't see coming for me.  That moment during "Be Still My Soul" at McKay's service marks the point where I had an impression so powerful & impacting that I finally let myself believe.

McKay James is a very special little person to me, because what I have learned from him has changed my life forever.

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GRIEF IS SOMETHING YOU CARRY

These several paragraphs may seem like a long explanation, but truly it's a short summary of lessons I have learned through my grief in the last 9 years.  When I lost each pregnancy, the next pregnancy I had would help me deal with my grief in some ways, but I still kept looking at it like, "This is something I'll get over," or "When I get past this...."

The truth of the matter is that grief is not something you get over; it's something you carry.  Once you've carried grief, you'll always carry it, because the people you've lost will always be a part of you and a part of who you've become.  You will feel like that until you're able to see them again someday.  The ability to cope with it increases over time, but time itself doesn't take away your grief.  You can think you're doing just fine, and one tiny thing can trigger a memory or thought about who and what you've lost.

That's when it hurts all over again.  It can feel fresh in an instant.

Just as CS Lewis inferred that it takes more faith to be an atheist, I can share from my personal experience that when you choose to not believe, the burden of grief is so much heavier.  I've never felt lighter in the last 9 years in regards to the four babies Mitch & I have lost through miscarriage, than I have in the last 6 months when I have finally let myself believe that they are not gone forever.  After McKay's service, my husband has has also referred to them more, and we've talked about our lost babies as "our kids". We now have increased hope & belief in the resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ - that he descended below all things and that His Atonement can make up the pain of all the losses we've ever had - that every baby we've lost in miscarriage will be ours again someday.  We will meet them and raise them in the after life.  It's going to be beautiful.  We know they are special little angels who have taught us many lessons.  Even though they weren't here for very long, we are not the same.

(Part 1 of 3)