You know, I've had a crazy week. I've really had a crazy last 7 months, and the worst of it has really been the last 3 months. The 1st 4 months I was more nauseated than any of my other pregnancies, and as bad as I thought those 4 months were, struggling with depression for the last 3 months is not a battle I would have ever chosen. And it's mornings like this that I wake up and feel irritated that the imbalance still exists and wish it would just go away. And then I think of my blessings and the way I've made it this far. I'm really worried about having post-partum depression. I've never had a struggle with depression like this in my entire life, it's a real, true, irritating imbalance. A friend at church last week, who was just diagnosed with being bi-polar, made the comment that it's totally illogical. I can totally relate to him and I totally agree! It's so illogical for me to be depressed right now. I have everything I need and want, except my regular-self. I just want to be my happy self again. Technically I'm doing FAR better with this struggle than I was before my wonderful mother clued me into what what going on, but I still have days. Like today. When I wake up, and I think, "I'm not happy." And it's so dumb, because I really have everything to make me happy, and yet the illogical, internal struggle goes on, and so I take my supplement pills and pray that the fact that I forgot to take them last night or yesterday morning won't throw me off my groove for a couple days.
I just want to say that my sister Erin calls me every day. I don't think she knows how much it means to me. Yesterday I was so extremely busy, and I was so tired, and I really did want to do all the things I had planned yesterday, but it was hard to keep up with the day. And my sister called and I didn't answer because I didn't know she called, and simply just seeing that I had a missed call from her made me feel better this morning. I think she used to get a little irritated at first when I was really bluesy and had a raincloud every single day, but as the months have gone on, she has become so sensitive to what I need. Some days she commiserates with me and just listens when I've been let down, and other days she knows how to help me break out of it. I'm just so lucky to have a sister who loves me. We don't talk for a long time. She usually has to cut the conversation off when she gets home from work because she has tons of homework to do and she needs to spend a little time with her husband, but the thing is that she's consistent, and she really does care about how I am feeling. I miss her because of distance, but she's been there for me in exactly the way I've needed, and I love her for it. Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he made sisters--it's a bond that can never be broken, and it's a bond that makes me happy. I love you, Erin!
I am sorry you have had such a struggle. You hide it well girlie. You are still so amazing to be around and I love to spend time with you.
ReplyDeleteDJo - I love you and am so thankful for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear bout your struggles lately but on a lighter note.... The whole irritation thing runs in the family. Do you remember when Aunt Sylvia at a family reunion shared her testimony and talked about irritation? When she was done speaking I felt like i had been diagnosed:-) I joke and call it CID (chronic irritation disorder), you are not alone my beautiful cousin and friend, we can get through it together!! I LOVE your comment at the end about sisters. Soooo grateful for mine:-) She helps me with my irritation issues DAILY:-)
okay so with my third I swear I had potpartum durring my pregnancy. Every little thing got thrown out of perspective and I HATED being pregnant. I cant put into words how horriable it was. To make matters worse I actually did have alot of reasons to be depressed and worried. The WONDERFUL GRET and AMAZING news is that in less than a week after A was born all of those emotions went away. All I had to deal with was the physical limitations> I truly believe that HF had heard and answered my prayers but for some reason I had to experiance this loos of control over my emotions. Anyway what I am trying to say is that there is a light at the end, dont give up hope. Rebekkah
ReplyDeleteThank you Debra Jo! I love you SO much! You just made my day! I love how we are perfect sisters for each other. When ever you have a bad day mine is good and when ever I have a bad day yours is good. It's like Heavly Father knows when we each need strength from the other. :) Loaf Chou! (Way to make me cry, tears of joy and hapiness). Can't wait to see you in April.
ReplyDeleteGooba
Oh man. I am so sorry you're dealing with this! It's so hard to experience all of those emotions when deep down, you know that life really is good! I had post-partum with my first and second. With my first, I didn't know I had it until I felt better, which was around 6 months. With my second, I didn't get it until she was 6 months. It actually turned out, (for me), to be a combination of 2 things, as diagnosed by a naturopathic doctor: 1) an allergy to prolactin (which is the hormone that creates breastmilk), and 2) my adrenal glands (which regulate the estrogen/testosterone/etc. balance) were fatigued. I got a prescription for sleep (seriously! early to bed and sleep in until 8 a.m.) and had to avoid dairy products, (since all mammals create their milk using prolactin). Anyway--not sure if those two things will help you right now...or if they're even possible for you. But, they might be worth a try. Hang in there! It's hard to deal with day by day, but this, too, shall pass.
ReplyDeleteSO SWEET! I'm glad Erin has been able to be there for you. I know being pregnant is not easy for you and I think you're amazing. Just hang in there, you only have like 7 weeks left! Wahoo!!
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