I try to explain this to people, and very few understand.
A few months ago I found myself trying to explain this to friends who do understand, but I'm used to people not understanding and so on the 2nd or 3rd time of me saying it, "I love them LIKE my biological children - it feels EXACTLY the same way." They were like, "WE KNOW!" It made me laugh afterwards because I could see it in their faces - a peaceful knowing smile. They KNEW 100% what I'm talking about. They have biological and adopted children, and they GET IT, because they know it's the same unconditional feeling, the same forever-destined-and-connected meant-to-be-together feeling.
It's absolutely NOT a begruding love feeling, NOT an I'm-baby-sitting-someone-else's-kid-for-the-long-term feeling, NOT an I'm-sealed-to-you-so-I-might-as-well-learn-how-to-live-with-you feeling.
It's such a BEAUTIFUL feeling.
I didn't get to have my girls through domestic baby adoption. We got to get our girls after struggle and mid-heart-ache. The pain of their former childhood life is cause for us to rock them like babies in therapy; and even feed them like babies at times, even tho they are preschool age--we are trying to make up that time in a way. I didn't get to meet them at the hospital and be there for every milestone and for every cry. I didn't get to carry them in my womb and protect them from the instant I was aware of their existence. But the SECOND I knew spiritually that there was a child or children in the world that were meant to be with me and I didn't know who or where they were, it was a gnawing, terrible feeling that I didn't know where my kids were. For 10 months (sort of the same as gestation of a child) I would count my 4 children and I was always wondering where the others were so I would pray for my kids that weren't with us. It never felt like I had all my children, UNTIL the day we had both the girls together, and Embry looked up and smiled at me - this beautiful, "please-keep-me-I-want-a-forever-family-so-badly-don't-you-think-you-could-love-me" smile. INSTANTLY it was like the heavens opened. There was sunshine all around. My husband and I BOTH felt it. We both KNEW. These were OUR KIDS.
It didn't matter that I didn't birth them, they found us, and they fill a part of my heart that was empty without them. I could never imagine my life without my girls; I call them my baby girls, even though they were older when we found each other.
So this conversation led us to a concept I'd never really thought about in this light before. As a society, and in genealogy, we put so much emphasis on our blood lines, and the importance of family. But you know what? Sometimes that's all messed up. In a lot of ways, the blood line means literally nothing compared to the spirit line.
One of my grandfathers was rejected by his birth father & by extension his birth father's family (because my grandfather's existence was unconventional), and then he also struggled to be accepted by his step-father who I have heard had never fully accepted him. I believe that for Grandpa's whole life, he never fit in completely. He was a lone man carrying on the name of a father he never knew, being raised by his mother's birth family and rejected in a way by his mothers new husband. Did my grandpa have ANYTHING to do with his unconventional beginning? Nope. But he suffered the consequences and the internal heartache of not belonging his whole life. He worked through it, and he found a beautiful woman and they built a successful life and family together. He chose to be different than the fathers who weren't there for him, and he learned life lessons from his aunt and uncle who stepped in to raise him.
(Fast forward)
A couple days after adoption, my 4 year old looked at me and said, "Thank you, Mama! Thank you for calling me Borden." It made me want to cry because she KNEW and could FEEL a different level of belonging simply with the name change alone. And now I think about my grandpa and the belonging that he never was fully allowed to have. How much different would it have been for him if he had been able to or allowed to change his last name to his mom's maiden name or to his step-father's name? It would have been a different level of acceptance that transcends so much more than the implications of what the "blood-line" is.
I believe that eventually my grandfather rose above the implications of not belonging anywhere with his name, but it's also because he had no other choice.
This past Spring we were in the Easter Pageant, and my girls had no problems detaching from me and attaching to new people in our backstage groups. I remember being frustrated one night and I prayed in desperation, "Will this EVER feel natural?" The inner voice that came back immediately said, "Does your relationship feel natural with Me?"
It turns out our personal relationships with God can feel completely detached or completely personal depending on the seasons of our lives. But generally speaking if you want to know God, the relationship gets closer and more natural OVER TIME.
It also turns out that we are NOT God's "blood" children. It turns out WE ARE ALL ADOPTED. God doesn't love us any less because we share the same blood-line as our earthly birth-parents. He doesn't accept us any less because we are only spiritually and not biologically called His, but He still let's us carry His name and be called the children of Christ.
So I have found that it can be true that in some family situations there are times where blood lines can literally mean NOTHING. When it feels that way, adoption itself can be a beautiful thing because THIS family is OUR family. End of story.
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