Wearing "Sunday Clothes" to church is a tradition I've participated in since I was little. Who doesn't like to dress up once in a while (or once a week)? Wear your Sunday best and symbolically give "your best" to the Lord while going to church--that's the point of it, right? The idea also translates further to showing an outward expression of an inner commitment--or so that's how I interpreted it.
Until I met a friend who came to church in a tank top. He didn't just wear a tank top once. He did it every Sunday, and it showed his favorite bands and often his shirts exposed chest hair. But each Sunday he came I could see his humility, tho.
His humility was not expressed by adhering to social or cultural norms. His humility was evident in the way he carried himself--yes even while showing his chest hair in church. His humility was open for all to see when he walked to the pulpit on testimony day and gave the most honest testimony I have ever heard. He very reflectively said he wasn't sure if he believed in God and then he opened up about some difficult experiences he's been through and what he feels. He expressed so much more acceptance of "what is" than most of the people I have been around in church settings in my entire life. I cried like a baby thru his whole testimony. I felt so much closer to God by hearing about his struggle and the shards of hope and light that kept him moving forward.
I had so much admiration for my friend that day. The truth for me was that behind the smoke screen of my beautiful Sunday dress with perfectly fixed hair and make-up, I was actually really hurting inside. I had been hurting inside for a long time (even tho I've been doing all the right things and even been doing them for the right reasons). I've been unable to understand how to accept what-is until only recently in my life and the path of bad habits makes it still quite a struggle at times, so his testimony resonated with me, and I knew that thru the eyes of his Agnosticism he was actually closer to God than I was. In my eyes he actually KNEW God better than he even realized.
What's interesting is that my friend had the opportunity to get "church clothes" for cheap or for free but he continued to come in his tanks because this was HIS personal journey and it was happening without a time-frame that was dictated by anyone else. It was happening in a real way and not in a fabricated way that anyone else thought it should look like. I actually respect him more for that because he was demonstrating self-acceptance--something that in my thirties I am barely coming to understand.
Each Sunday that he walked in I would find my soul filled with pain and wishing that the whole congregation could be more like him. Why can't we all come to church as we are? I wish we could. The truth is that WE CAN. The problem is that we are often running so much from what is going on--striving so much to "rise above" it, that we actually miss dealing with our problems altogether and often by running we create more problems for ourselves. Instead of wearing perfect Sunday clothes and slapping on happy faces, why can't we show up AS WE ARE? What would happen if we could SEE people as they are and what they're going through each week? Would we have signs at church on our clothes or hovering above our heads?
Maybe you'd see some messages like, "I'm struggling with my self-worth."
"I have a binge eating disorder."
"I look at porn and don't know how to stop."
"My marriage looks good on the outside but this no longer feels like a fairy tale to me."
"I get bullied at school."
Or what about "I get bullied at church."
"I was sexually abused and I feel like no one can relate."
"I feel differently than you do with your political opinions, but my religious reasons are as closely related to my stances as yours are to yours."
"I'm gay but I'm afraid to tell anyone about it because all the other gay people I know who are open about it no longer feel accepted at church."
"I am not actually happy as a stay at home mom but everyone else acts like they are. What is wrong with me?"
"I want to experience more from life than what I'm getting."
"I had to ask for help paying for my food box this week at the food bank. I don't know how we're going to make it."
"Reading scriptures, praying, and going to church isn't actually lifting my fog of depression, but I'm here anyway."
"My child has special needs and I'm beyond tired but I don't feel like I can ask for any more help."
"Sometimes I drink alcohol."
"I live with regrets and don't know how to move forward."
"I can't stop grieving the loss of someone I love."
Or what about, "I'm having a hard time believing in God this week, because believing in God in the past has hurt me."
The signs might change week to week--you'd never know what they'd say but they would be real.
What's interesting to me is that I don't personally believe that we're all as good as we try to make ourselves and others believe. It could be argued that we are no better than the worst that is within us. The trick is that the worst that is within is can never actually get better when we're continually in denial that it's there and continually running from it instead of facing what-is. We're told that Jesus Christ can heal broken hearts, but how can we even come to Him with our broken heart or our contrite spirit if we think that's not for us--if we think everyone else at church is the sick one instead of us? My parents used to tell me that church was like a hospital for the sick--and I agree with them.
It's not anyone else's fault that this has happened, but I personally feel like for way too long I've really misunderstood what "being sick" really looks like on the outside. For me, being the one who is sick means I'm wearing the perfect Sunday clothes and my whole family parades in to church looking like we don't have problems. While not originally intended to be this way, the premise of looking good at church can actually turn into a smoke screen for anyone (although I am not saying this spiritual trap happens to everyone). All I'm saying is that MY soul needs to be more real. Because that's how I'm coming to know my Savior better. I am coming to accept myself more and thereby I am beginning to accept my Savior more. I can say that this has happened to me in a large part because of agnostic friends on the church benches. My soul needs more agnostic friends in my life--and not so my understanding or interpretation of God can heal them--it's because I know their honesty and acceptance is the missing piece to the puzzle of what I need to bring me closer to Jesus so that He can heal me.
I believe this is one of the many ways where the first shall be last and the last shall be first, but sometimes we're so focused on fixing what's wrong with everyone else and their life perceptions that we forget how to let God speak to us in personal ways. Sometimes the way He speaks to us is in a lengthy, struggle-filled journey that might even make us question Him.
In the last few weeks I have worn less make-up to church, and when I was stressed about finishing my make-up in the parking lot I heard the echoes of my own words from this post I've been formulating: "Go inside as you are, D-Jo. PLEASE just come as you are."
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