For years that kind of logic was satisfactory to my soul and "knowing" or believing rather that I am a child of God helped me thru a lot of things...maybe almost everything that was difficult for me could somehow be related back to the concept that I was His child and He had a plan for me. Even in my "mid life crisis" about a year ago when I dyed my hair pink because that was the only thing I could control--even THEN, I remember a specific day in September 2016 where I believed it was God himself asking me in my mind: "Who are you Debra Jo?" When I responded out loud, "I don't know anymore," the words came back to me: "You're my child." It was powerful. That day His message was enough. It was strong enough to glide me carefully thru at least the start of the next season of my life.
But then something crazy happened. I gave my life--literally my whole life--to God because He called me to adoption, and then without losing everything tangible I still lost my whole life as I knew it. I lost supports that had ALWAYS been my go-to. I lost my health (dramatically). I lost my 10-year identity as a mom of just boys. I lost the mold I had devoted my life to: the stay-at-home-mom life that used to be the best thing for us. I lost my ability to cope with the stress of entrepreneurship. I lost the ability to enjoy home and family life. I lost my safe havens. I lost the approval I used to have from individuals who used to seem to approve of all my choices. I lost a lot financially. I LOST MYSELF because I gave everything I had UNTIL I HAD NOTHING left to give.
I did it all for God.
Because I was His child.
And this was what He asked for me to do.
The best of all the things I lost tho is the previous belief I was subconsciously living that success in life is about having a perfect little family with no real world problems. I never want to revert back into that belief system again because it was actually entirely contrary to knowing God and accepting Him.
Maybe "all of what used to be" was simply required in order to pay for the priceless gift of my girls. I would absolutley do it all again even knowing just how deeply dark and painful it would be for countless moments along the way. Perhaps what happened was a law of sacrifice. Maybe you cannot gain something so beautiful unless you fearlessly let go of everything you used to have.
However here I am now and I see that it is time to find myself again. I am not my old self. The old me is sort of here, but I gave her up for a rebirth in the cause of what my Father asked of me. What's almost terrifying to me is that this time God is the one who is telling me to find myself. This time He knows I know I'm His child, because for quite a while, everything I ever used to rely on was stripped away from my life until He was the only one left standing. Now I see that I can be His child and still have the need to FIND myself. I believe He is trusting me to do just that. There is a promise about it even (and I paraphrase)--"whosoever shall lose their life for my sake shall find it." Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, there is not a promise or requirement on the time limit for the "finding".
So here I am in the season of finding. If you were to ask me outright and if I were to answer honestly, I'd tell you that I don't know who I am yet.
But here is what I know about myself so far and here are some of the ways I can personally identify (in no particular order):
* I am a mother (bereaved, biological, foster, and adoptive). * I am spiritual and religious: I am a Mormon (raised and personally decided to stay), but inside my heart I am also part non-denominational Christian in daily radio worship, part Buddhist in the search of Nirvana, and part Hippie who wants to move to Sedona for a lengthy period of time (IF ONLY). I also understand my atheist friends and why they would choose to be atheist, but I personally believe in life after death because of Jesus' resurrection and bank on it for healing of the past and for so many future dreams. * I love rainbows no matter what anyone thinks that means--I actually love every single color (except for poop brown) and have never truly decided on one forever favorite color because it changes. It always changes! In elementary my favorite color was sparkly purple; in high school it was royal blue and neon green; at one point it was bright red; currently my colors are azure blue and sunlight yellow. You should have seen my wedding cake and decorations! Basically I like rainbows. * I am a wife to the most selfless, hardworking, handiest, bike-ridingest man who is still a 15 year old at heart, who dances with me in the kitchen, who takes me to spontaneous and late night movie dates for sanity, and who makes me laugh when I am stressed (it takes a special person to be able to know how to handle me, because I am still learning how to handle myself). * I don't enjoy politics anymore and have major issues with the type of extremes that can do more damage to individuals than the good it promises (I used to fight against only liberal extremes but now I'm even talking about conservative extremes). * I am a teacher with a strangely eclectic resume and I don't entirely understand what it means about me or my life path that I happen to have experience teaching preschool, elementary, junior high, high school, and even college leveled students for subjects ranging from algebra, sign language, general education, music education and more (I obsess that I SHOULD edit my blogs because I know highly intelligent and OCD people will judge my grammar and faulty comma usage, not to mention I worry about all my capitalization, spelling, typos, and autocorrect issues, too). * I am awakening to the dire need for women to stand up for equality because I lived in denial for too long that women are treated as second class citizens even in circles that I belong to, and it's important for my own emotional health to add my voice when the topic needs to be addressed. * I am someone who needs to eat gluten-free. I have a toxic relationship with chocolate, I'm working to break up with dairy, and I care about alkalinity. * I am a homegrown, hometown, homebody girl who has suddenly found myself feeling like I would leave in a heartbeat if I could find any way out. Then I realized I have 6 kids, a husband, and a job, so I bought myself a passport instead. * I'm done pretending to be happy if I'm not. * I'm done with trying to be perfect. * I am accepting that I have no control. * I love Jesus Christ and I crave His grace. *
I still don't know exactly who I am, but I can accept that I am unfinished and being guided by the hands of a loving Savior. I understand now that it's okay for me to be on a journey of questioning, seeking, and finding. Just because God is my Father doesn't explain everything about who I am or explain anything of what He actually knows about me; it's not shameful to need to find myself. He knows His children perfectly; I think He's also watching with trust and patience to see the person I (or any of us) will eventually unfold to be. I can definitely say that I lost myself for Christ's sake by accepting the path He called me to, and so I trust His promise that I will find myself again. And maybe just when I find it He could ask me to lose myself again, but I want to trust that He'll walk me through it no matter what losing myself might mean.
It just turns out that the "finding myself" part of my life adventure is quite a journey. Unexpected. Deep. Soul-searching journey. And that's okay. Part of me thinks that's the way it was all meant to be.
💛d.jo
