“Forgive and forget”.
We’ve all been told to do this at some point or another in our lives.
“Don’t hold a grudge,” we’re told.
Okay.
These lessons were ingrained within me. I remember as a young mom when my first little boy Tyson would be hurt by a friend I would immediately have him find something to apologize for, too. I would make him analyze the situation to find what he did to cause it. As if the cause for someone else hurting him was something he must have done to deserve it. My quickness to skip over his negative experience to have him fix the problem implied the wrong message. Little did I know at the time that that’s codependency in the making (especially because this child was already naturally not an instigator). Now he’s 11 and I see that when others make poor choices he feels responsible for their choices regardless of whether or not he had any true responsibility connected to the situation. That internalized problem in my son was caused by me as his parent when he was little because it was something I had had so deeply ingrained within me. The idea that the need to forgive is the victim’s FAULT. The idea that a victim is not allowed to feel anything but to surrender all their feelings unto the concept of forgiveness (whether or not the human process of the grief cycle that allows forgiveness to come has even been completed). The idea that you cannot be forgiven unless you forgive so therefore you cannot feel anything as a result as another’s infraction against you or else you will be accused of not forgiving and will then be unworthy to be forgiven too (unworthy for God to forgive or love you).
All this extreme kind of misinterpretation really does tho is lead an individual into cycles of anxiousness and self hatred. It makes someone feel so worthless that who they are and how they feel are not allowed to matter even when they’ve been legitimately perpetrated on by another. It’s so unhealthy.
I’m happy to say that my son and I are both working to look at things differently to heal together from what was a potentially very harmful outlook.
A friend told me a story of a very serious type of abuse that happened to them. At first disclosure to their trusted adult there was an attempt from that figure to provide sympathy. But as time went on and emotional issues from PTSD still arose for the victim in the situation, when they told their trusted adult in their life about how they were feeling, the trusted adult said, “You need to get over it.”
What a way to add insult to injury, right?
But here’s the clincher—someone who has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex PTSD is someone who knows better than anyone else that they NEED to get over the trauma that occurred to them. They know their need to “forget it” is in the way of their ability to move forward with their life. They wish it never had happened and they wish that they could forget it. What they don’t know however is HOW to get past it. Onlookers with no empathy, who scrutinize the situation, also do not understand HOW to help them. Everyone’s experience with trauma is different so even the experiences of a person who has found a way to move forward from their own similar circumstances may not even be able to help another. Because trauma recovery is not one-size-fits-all.
One sure way to contribute to the problem, however, is to tell them what they’re doing wrong and how they just need to forgive or the worse sin is on their shoulders. That is a fantastic way to become part of the problem instead of part of their healing process.
I believe the best people at forgiving are actually the ones who experience PTSD. Someone who has PTSD will find a way to forgive, let go, and move forward. But then their trauma will be triggered and they have to do it all over again. Trauma can be stored in the mind, the body, and the heart. If a traumatic event has not been fully processed in a way that allows healing or closure, any of these triggers could come at any time (even if the individual has invested lengthy amounts of time working through the situation).
Triggers are unpredictable. It could come with a date of the year, a smell, a look, a fabric, a sound, a season changing, a similar circumstance—all things that cannot be controlled by the person who has been hurt. The trigger will come and the person will relive the moment and the pain as if it were fresh. It is exhausting because the pain of the current situation will be present and compounded with the pain of the previous situation that is triggered in the PTSD.
When that happens the individual will have to go through the process of forgiveness all over again. The emotions will blindside them and they could lose a day, a half a day, a week, OR MORE to the triggering situation (in children this kind of situation actually STOPS or dramatically slows their childhood development and hinders their ability to learn in school). Sometimes they might come out stronger. Most times they’ll probably be feeling weaker after having experienced the memory again. They’ll make the choice to forgive and to move on in wholeness (or as much wholeness as they can muster).
Until another trigger comes again.
Then the moment is fresh. The feelings come back as if it all just happened again.
The person will make the choice to forgive all over again. But it’s very difficult. They already did that. They’ll wonder why they had to go thru that again. They’ll wonder what’s wrong with them. They’ll feel bad about what’s happening. But it’s not their fault.
The Biblical scripture about forgiving 70 times 7 is potentially applied all the time in people who experience PTSD. But others who do not understand PTSD may pass judgments about the victim’s ability to forgive. In reality, however, the victim’s ability and strength in forgiving is likely much stronger than in an individual who only has to choose forgiveness once as opposed to having to choose forgiveness from multiple angles of realization that comes from the retriggering of past trauma over time.
For me there was an experience that I was reliving thru triggers. I was not a victim but I witnessed a traumatic death that forever changed me. After a decade of living with it and working thru it on my own, I had EMDR therapy and I was finally able to forgive myself for the negative beliefs I had absorbed in a situation I could not change or control. It still feels healing to remember the weight that came off of my shoulders. The weight was removed after someone who could show me HOW helped me to fully process the situation. The weight could not be removed just because anyone told me to get over it. The weight could not leave by talking myself through it. I understood logic but the feelings were forever stored in my mind and heart, memory, and body. The weight could not leave permanently even when applying faith in Jesus and that the situation that happened was in His hands. In order for Jesus to heal me, I had to use therapy. Now when that memory comes back, I still feel sad for what I saw that happened but because of EMDR therapy I do not feel all the feelings of inadequacy anymore. I do not feel the undue guilt and burden I had carried as if it were fresh every single time a trigger brought back that memory.
Now imagine having an incident where a traumatic event caused by one person to another ends up being so bad that it causes PTSD (or imagine the little events that eventually become big because they are continually repeated offenses across a long period of time that can cause CPTSD). Imagine the difficulty someone may experience with triggers from an event that is ongoing or from a hurtful individual that is still present in their life.
I believe that all too often we get frustrated with ourselves and others and we use the phrase to just get over it. We judge others and ourselves for our inability to apply forgiveness. But the truth of the matter is that many of the people we are judging harshly are actually some of the strongest and most practiced individuals we may know at applying their skills of forgiveness, especially when the consequences of another’s choice or choices affect their lives time and time again and at no fault of their own. Each realization of the domino effect requires reprocessing the Greif and trauma and requires forgiveness for the same event—perhaps even “seventy times seven times” for JUST THAT ONE EVENT. That is a heavy load to carry and even tho Jesus can eventually heal all of us completely, He also made our mortal bodies with natural responses to things. Unfortunately for many individuals “natural responses” to awful things includes PTSD, and it’s exhausting. It’s even more exhausting when people with PTSD are blamed for what they experience or even continue to experience as if it is their fault.
Maybe you know someone in a situation like what I’ve talked about. Maybe they could use a hug and trust from you. Maybe they need to be told how strong and powerful they are because they don’t feel that they’re strong despite the amazing feat they accomplish every day. Maybe they just need understanding that the burdens they carry happen to be invisible to others but are very real. Maybe simple awareness will help so that the person you love with PTSD will not have to feel isolated for the things they cannot control. Maybe just looking at the PTSD experience in an open and accepting way will empower them enough to help them trust themselves and find the path that’s right for them for their own journey of healing.
