Of God's Will, the Effects of People's Choices, and Sprinkles....

"God doesn't just sprinkle children on the earth as if it's a giant cupcake and hope they land in a good spot on the frosting.  

He knows where He's sending them, and 

God has a plan for ALL His children." 

--Merri Cox--

There is an insurmountable amount of suffering in the world.  In order to cope with all the sadness, people have to turn it off in their minds and maybe sometimes even in their hearts, because if they don't, they might actually go crazy.  So they compartmentalize each terrible headline in the news, and they try to forget about it in some way.  It's not that they're NOT affected - they might send up a prayer for an individual who was hurt or abused, they may send a card or money to a fund for someone who needs it, they may be sad and think about it, or share the story with another, but in the end, they still have to compartmentalize the sadness so they can focus on their own family and responsibilities.

When you choose to become a foster or adoptive parent, you choose to open your heart and home to the effects of suffering.

When you're faced with a potential placement, you have to open your heart to the story of that child, and whether or not they get placed with you.  Your HEART is on the line FOR THEM because they COULD be the child you were meant to help heal, or maybe they are going to be one of the children who needs a home forever - you just don't know for sure, yet.  The problem is that many of these children are affected by the choices of too many other people.  The process is so slow to get them what they need because choices of the adults in their lives send them here there and everywhere.  Sometimes these kids can't rely on anyone - not the home they came from, not the home they were sent to, not the people involved with all the laws made...even if laws were made with good intensions, heartbreak still happens in many situations because it's a broken system.  There are so many instances where the choices in this large line of adults scatters these kids to and fro.  The scattering creates within them a feeling of hopelessness, loss, grief, fear, attachment issues, and an ever so fleeting childhood....  I've come to feel that it's CHOICES that scatter these children across the earth like sprinkles on a cupcake.  

At least that's how I was feeling last week.

THAT PART of all of this (the part of innocent children who are abused and neglected, and then sent to new homes, who learn to bond, but then are forced to let go of the next person they love, and maybe the next, and maybe the next, and then maybe back to their families)...THAT PART of all of this has been trying my faith lately.  I have felt like God's will is so easily thwarted by our choices.  A few months back, I posted a quote from Dallin H Oaks on my Facebook page - it says that God WILL NOT intervene on someone's agency for the benefit of another one of His children.  As you think about that you realize God will not intervene for even babies, and not even for helpless, tender, and fragile little children.  I know that God has the power to move mountains and create the Universe, and calm storms, and work mighty wonders, but why WILL HE NOT INTERFERE with someone's choices even for the benefit of the most innocent and helpless of all His children???  It just hurts my heart so much to try to understand this concept while I'm watching events unfold that cause suffering to someone else who may be one of MY future children, whether they're "mine" for a season as a foster child, or eventually going to be one of my children forever through adoption.

I think that it is very possible that God has His will for certain situations, but our choices & our own will can affect the outcome of what He wished for us, and our choices really can mess everything up.  That is one reason why it's such a gift for us to give God our will and our hearts - it is such a gift to strip ourselves of pride and turn our will over to Him - it's actually the ONLY thing we have that we can give back to Him.

I know that Jesus Christ can heal every broken heart, and He can heal every poor mistake that's ever happened on this earth.  It's just really hard in the mean time, though, in the moments where it hurts.  Sometimes our own choices or the choices of others cause so much distress to ourselves and to others that it takes years, or a lifetime to heal.  Some people on this earth may not ever be fully healed until it's all over.

Someone asked me if I'm trying to save the world by going on this journey.  I absolutely know that I cannot.  But I have noticed as I have been "mourning with those that mourn" in the situations that have been presented to me that I may potentially have a positive influence with that I have been so emotionally drawn into some situations of children that I'm worried about, that it has actually had a physical effect on me - certain situations - especially the ones where I knew someone was in current danger, caused me to start cycling through grief.  It is so exhausting. Especially because I'm supposed to be able to be one of the people who can "help" these kids, but because of the choices of others, I am still in a position of absolutely NO CONTROL - no ability to help alleviate their pain, or to help ensure their safety.  The overwhelming greif and sadness can get better though...like in a moment when you know the imminent danger is over & the kids and birth families are safe & healing.  And then when it's over, I feel ready to open my heart again.

This journey has opened my mind and heart to a greater sense of awe at God's ability to love.  If I have felt this way over just one or two situations that I have been asked to open my heart to...and if my heart and being were almost to burst with emotions I'd never felt before, then HOW on earth is our Father in Heaven able to cope with the suffering and wrong choices made across the world - every day - among BILLIONS of individuals - His heart is open and concerned with the INTRICATE DETAILS OF ALL HIS CHILDREN.  How is He even able to handle the pain?  Day in and day out?

I asked my friend Merri if she was really SURE that God doesn't just sprinkle His children on the earth and then just hope for the best for them, as our destinies are left up to choices. I asked her, because she has walked the path of adoption, both as an adoptee, and as an adoptive parent, and she's the one who came up with the cupcake and sprinkles analogy anyway to explain how God works to her kids.  She promised me, and affirmed that she is ABSOLUTELY SURE.  (So I have been leaning on her testimony and her testimony alone these last few weeks so that mine can grow in this area.)  She says that even though people's choices mess everything up, that God KNOWS the end from the beginning, and He has a plan for all of His children.  He knows the choices we're going to make before we make them, and He is there to help us get through them.  She says that He sends us on a path where we're meant to be and He helps us so that we can learn what we need to learn. He knows the choices we're going to make before we make them. He KNOWS.

I know that ultimately she is right.  I want her to be right - even when I know God's will isn't being done (because I do not believe for one second that it's God's will for people to hurt helpless children).  But I have to believe that someday, somehow, His will will ultimately guide these kids that I've come to love to where they can heal.  I have to believe that He has a plan for all His children (not just the ones who were born into happy homes).  I know I just have to discover what part I can play in His plan, and I know that His will can happen easier if we use our choices to make good things happen in the world.

I have been pondering and thinking about why God will not interfere with anyone's choices (even if someone is making evil choices) when such intervention could benefit another one of His children (even if they are perfectly helpless and deserve to be helped).

As I've been thinking about it, I have thought that God will also NOT intervene with our positive choices - for the benefit of anyone.  If God intervened with Jesus Christ's choices, then Jesus wouldn't actually be WHO HE CHOSE TO BE.  If God intervened and told Him He couldn't do it, or stopped Him for any reason, then that pivitol moment that saved us wouldn't have happened!  Jesus' choices DID benefit other children...ALL of God's other children.  How I wish that the evil choices of those who hated Him, and persecuted Him, and crucified Him could have been reversed.  I imagine how much our Father in Heaven must have wished He could have stopped them.  How much His heart must have agonized.  I am sure it was unbearable, but God did not intervene to stop the choices of anyone involved.  He allowed them to choose for themselves, and that is the ONLY reason we have any reason to hope, because Jesus Christ CHOSE to do something He didn't actually have to do, but He did it for us.  He did it because He loved us.  And I'm so grateful God didn't intervene.

So - now I need to apply these concepts to myself, and remember these things even in the moments when it hurts.  I have to remember as I open my heart and home to children who have been suffering that God has a plan for them, and that God CAN heal them, and I am going to continue to do everything I possibly can to try to use my choices in the best ways I can so that I can help make a difference.

My faith is getting stronger that we're not just thrown on this earth like sprinkles (and my faith is strengthening that not even SOME of us are tossed to the world as sprinkles).  I am leaning on the faith of my friend, Merri, that God KNOWS where ALL of His children are sent to on this earth, and He KNOWS how to help them.  I believe that HE WILL help them by opening up pathways for them, and also THROUGH the good choices of others.  I believe that even in well wishing, Heavenly Father knows that we have NO CONTROL.  I believe He knows that feeling, too, because He chooses to NOT CONTROL our choices - even though He wants us to choose well.  I know that He's always there to help us choose well, and He's always there to help us even when we don't make the right choices. He can help us to fix the things that are broken.  He knows what we'll choose before we choose it, because He knows the end from the beginning. He knows how to help us even when we mess things up with our choices.  He has a plan for each and every one of His children, and He can help us get where we need to be, if we just turn to Him and ask.

Within the past couple of weeks I was asked to help with a musical number in church - "Consider the Lilies" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  Because of the sadness of a situation that I am not allowed to share publicly, my heart was hardened towards God in some ways, but my heart has been softening - because each time I had to practice for church, I had to think about the sermon in these words.  I feel this message was not a coincidence, and it wasn't for the congregation that week -  it was actually for me to help my faith & to help heal my heart:

"Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds in the sky,
How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold."

Cinematic Pop - What it's Like

Growing up in a family with a musical legacy, and studying music at an early age, I have deeply revered some composers with names that are not uncommon. Shouting these names out might sound cliche, but let's think just for a moment about Handel's Messiah, and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (Ode to Joy).

While listening to, singing or playing instrumental parts for great works like these, or while learning about them in a musical history class, I would often wonder what life might have been like in the midst of "The Greats".  What might it have been like to watch a musical master in action?  Oh! What I would have given to have been there and feel the electricity in witnessing these kinds of men performing fresh, new, and beautifully grand music for their day and age.  

Mostly in these day dreams, I would wonder how would it FEEL to hear, and see, and participate in the experience of those kinds of musical moments that actually changed the world?

Well, it turns out that I didn't have to travel to Europe, and I didn't even need a time machine.

Here in my adult years, I've come to understand that one of "The Greats" lives in my home state...my home town, even.  

His name is Rob Gardner.

Rob is a prolific composer of beautiful, sacred, and secular music that deeply touches the soul (sacred as in The Lamb of God, secular as in Truck Tunes--and just for the record "Truck Tunes" speaks to my 4-year-old nephew's soul in a very real way).  Many years ago, I attended his production called Saints and Pioneers at a time when I was suffering loss and grief, and was facing uncertainty in my life, and his song "Unanswered Yet" helped to heal my heart, renewed my faith in God & His timing, and gave me the strength to keep going.

Rob composes musical productions for symphony orchestras, grand choirs, and soloists.  He draws the best of the musical talent in any given geographical area.  His "choir" is not by any definition, a "normal" choir.  Maybe a decade or two ago, it could have started out that way - even back in the day, however, I remember hearing only the most talented local voices that could be found.  Over time, his choir has now come to hold only spots for the most elite & successful musicians of the East Valley.  Any local big name singer you might know vies to be in his choir.  I studied music education in college, took musical theater classes, studied all the instrumental methods for band, and have been invited to accompany some of these local artists in the choir.  I have also been teaching piano to others for 18 years, and yet I am a bit intimidated by the dream of being able to participate in such an experience whether in choir or orchestra, because I know very well, the level & quality of all the individual musicians involved.  (I also have 4 little kids at home to worry about - there are times and seasons for different kinds of dreams, I guess).  So for now I purchase tickets to his events for date nights with my husband when I need a vicarious kind of experience.

And I cry through all of his shows.  Not in a sad way.

In the most healing way there is to cry.

Like tonight for example - I've never cried so much while listening to pop music in my entire life.  I just can't even explain it - getting teary eyed during music like Sail, Listen to Your Heart, and Are We Human (or are we denser)...?  But then again, there's often a lot about myself that's so complex that I can't even explain to others. Just earlier this year I was talking to my sister-in-law about conflicts in my life when she said something really nice to me about how she wished she could be me.  But I told her there was NO way she wanted to be me, because I have all these overwhelming feelings all the time, and I don't always know what to do with them.  Sometimes I believe others around me think I'm crazy...possibly because they may jokingly have said things like that in the past, and I just need to forgive & forget.  Most recently I was faced with a foster/adoption situation that was causing me extreme worry & even a slump of depression because of the stress of it all.  I was suffering loss and grief and someone trying to wrap their mind around my reaction said, "You can't feel that way."  But the thing is that I DO feel the way I feel, and sometimes there's no way around the pain of what I feel or the deepness of it all.  Sometimes the only way through is through.

Tonight, at Cinematic Pop, before he performed "So Low",  Spencer Jones, explained what I've been unable to put to words from the ups and downs of my last year.  To paraphrase, he explained that he is a person who feels deeply (I personally gathered that perhaps others around him don't always feel exactly the same as he might), but he said that music is so powerful because when you feel an emotion in music, you know that someone else has felt that way before, and it helps you to know that you're not alone.  

If I needed to hear anything in the show tonight - it was exactly what Spencer shared.  My husband and I just listened & looked at each other in the audience. I had renewed confidence in who I am - I'm the kind of person who feels emotions deeply in regards to just about everything I involve myself with, and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone - that that's one of the reasons music speaks so deeply to me - that's why it was so extremely healing to me to listen to this gorgeously-beautified-pop-music-of-the-soul, because it helps me to know I'm not alone.  

McKane Davis (who lucky for us used to be my son's cub scout leader), his brother Drex had the idea for this unique kind of a project, and with Rob, they all worked closely on creating Cinematic Pop.  When their first show for Aug 27th sold out in no time at all, I had to bug them to open another show - I'm sure many many others were stunned that they couldn't get in either & made their upset known.  But I felt like they sort of opened up the matinee show just for me, and it was exactly what I needed.

I am so grateful for Rob Gardner,  McKane Davis & Drex Davis, Spencer Jones, Cosette Fife-Smith, McKenna Breinholt, Josh Mortensen, and the elite choir & orchestra for sharing their God-given talents, and showing the world through this new and edgy Cinematic Pop what it's like to be in the presence of a modern composer who is as talented as the great & renowned musicians of the past.  This music is already changing the world around it & it deserves the opportunity to go so much further - I can't wait to keep watching. 

P.S. - Watch these Cinematic Pop links.  You'll think they're amazing, but just know that you MUST see it live someday, because the experience is so much different live than recorded.  Not to mention the original compositions by Rob, McKane, & Spencer were just as moving or more so than even the cover songs.  When you get the chance to attend live it's all the more out of this world to have that kind of a unique sound production - classically trained choir & orchestra, intense conductor, and pop soloists....

The wall of sound is Gorgeous.  

The energy is Tangible, even.

It sounds Ethereal.  

It's Heavenly (even with the ADD, baby),  

and

Healing. 

Proud of my brother (and my dad who couldn't be found for a photo) for performing in the choir, and had fun running into our friends, Jeff & Cheri

We found Spencer Jones after the show!  So neat to be able to thank him personally!

Me Before You - Hollywood Got it Wrong - The disabled CAN have HAPPY endings, too.

I thought the title of this movie was a little odd.  I should have known it had a recurring motif of lessons to be learned on selfishness vs. selflessness.  Truthfully I didn't know a thing about the movie before I arrived to see it, except for the fact that my sister had been looking forward to it & wanted a girl's night with her mom & sisters.  I trusted her judgement, so we went (and now she's fired up and wrote a post, too).

Now before I go any further, there are 2 main parts to this post:  THE DEPRESSING, and THE UPLIFTING.  If the depressing part gets to be too much - just skip to the UPLIFTING part, which is what Hollywood needs to pour their time and efforts building up anyway - this post is going to show you A REAL HAPPY ENDING - and yes, I do mean a REAL LIFE, QUALITY, EVEN-AMID-EXTREME-ADVERSITY TRULY HAPPY ENDING.


Part 1:  THE DEPRESSING

"ME BEFORE YOU" REVIEW:

It started out beautifully.  The acting was great, the cinematography was gorgeous.  The setting was ideal.  The actors & actresses were top-notch.  I even cried at the beauty of the changes that were happening in Will Traynor's life as Lou helped him to enjoy life again after his terrible accident that paralyzed him forever.

Now I'm going to do something that I have a personal code against doing.  I'm going to spoil the ending, so stop reading now if you want to watch the movie first.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

The movie ends with Will (the paralyzed main actor) committing an assisted suicide.  Don't get me wrong - we were all bawling, it was still "well-done", it was still emotional, the actors and actresses portrayed everything perfectly, but all I could think about was how sad it is that Hollywood chooses to GLORIFY things like this.

They throw the best of the best into creating a film to advance a political message about the "need" for assisted suicide?

As if someone who has a disability has no more reason to live?

As if a life with any adversity is one worth throwing away?

As if the people in our lives who we love, whose bodies are "not perfect" anymore because of something they had no control over, are now not worth fighting for?

As if the message I need to learn from this is that when the going gets tough, give up?

Part of Will Traynor's reasoning for killing himself was that he didn't want his girlfriend Lou to EVER resent him for the difficulty of taking care of him, so supposedly he was trying to be self-less?  Lou even tells him he's the most selfish man she knew, but then she joins his side before he dies to spend the final moments with him, because she couldn't change his mind.  In his will, he leaves her with money so she can live a comfortable life to travel without him or his wheelchair to slow her down.

Excuse me?  So much for political correctness - what about sending politically correct messages to the disabled population?  Apparently they don't count enough for Hollywood to glorify their goodness in overcoming adversity.


ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT before I get to the main point of this post:

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING REVIEW -

About a year ago, my husband and I went to watch the movie about Stephen Hawking.  We were excited to see an uplifting film about overcoming adversity.  As the love story unfolded I knew this couple was going to make it.  But they didn't.  They started out facing their problems hand in hand, got married, had children, and things were good for a while, but Stephen never died like they had originally planned on, and life became harder.  Their hearts grew apart, and the way it's portrayed in the movie -  Stephen's wife left him for the choir director at church, and he left her for his caretaker.  They only remained friends, which it's fortunate they kept that much.

Also, when they were having marital problems, it is portrayed in the movie that Stephen turned to porn, and his caretaker turned the pages of it for him. Interestingly enough, the movie, Me Before You, has joking references to pornography as well.

Now, I am not judging Stephen and Jane - who I know are REAL people, as opposed to the characters in the Me Before You story - I have not walked a day in their shoes, and I cannot say I would have done anything better than they could have.  But honestly, their love story, while it has beautiful moments, is also so depressing.  It's got to be so much worse to LIVE through that.  And you know, it's also got to be so hard to have a marriage between a Christian and an Atheist.  While Jane & Stephen didn't remain married, and whether or not Stephen believes in God, I still wholeheartedly feel that God blessed him with talents and that he has taken his talents and made them affect others for good.  He is inspiring, and so is Jane, and even parts of their love story still amaze me.  I JUST WANTED THEM TO FIND HAPPINESS IN STAYING MARRIED!

The feeling I had leaving the theater on that one was more like a confused, "Hmmm," not a, "I'm so glad I saw that," feeling.


Part 2: THE UPLIFTING


I've decided that I need to quit looking to Hollywood for anything.

The answers we need are not there.

The hope for the future is not there.

Especially not for the disabled.

But I will tell you where the answer is to finding a good, wholesome, honest, and beautiful love story about overcoming adversity, hand in hand, despite a disability.

It's right in my backyard.

Or used to be.

Jeff and Cheri Poulsen used to live a couple blocks behind where I lived.  They go to my church.  Every Sunday they drive right up into the handicapped parking lot, and get out with bright smiles.

Jeff and Cheri got married on September 17th, in the 1980's - which is the best day to get married, because that's when Mitch and I got married. :)

They had a wonderful marriage, but they struggled with infertility.  They tried to adopt, but that road was not easy either - as they had adopted a baby was taken back by the birth family.  They saw so much heartbreak.

FINALLY, they got their rainbow baby.

Alyssa came as their 7th anniversary present (photos used with permission).

And life was beautiful for them

Life was perfect.

But their reprieve didn't last long, and adversity struck again:

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One night, Jeff was suddenly rushed to the hospital.  Alyssa was still a baby - their life as parents had just begun.  Jeff had been healthy and active, but all of a sudden he was found to have a very rare brain tumor that debilitated him, and the doctors said he would be lying in a hospital bed for the rest of his life.  When Cheri recounts what it was like after the first rush to the hospital, she said that he couldn't respond to anything, but she knew he was in there, and she knew she couldn't let him die.

For an entire year, he was in a hospital.  He had to learn how to do everything again and had life-threatening infections to fight.  Jeff, as you can imagine, struggled with extreme heartache trying to get his life back.  At one point he even told Cheri she should have let him go.  Cheri was conflicted about that, too, because she didn't want him to hate her for being saved from death, but she was there for him.

Cheri never gave up on the love of her life.

Jeff is a fighter, and he learned to do some things that help him function in some ways.  He used to be athletic & active, but after the tumor he was confined strictly in a wheelchair & would not again be able to walk or stand.  A powered wheelchair would help him be as independent as possible, but clearly he will never be the same after his tumor.  There were many huge losses for him to have to accept ALL at once and it was a heartbreaking time. 

Cheri said, "My emotions were nuts. I couldn't not try & save him tho... I didn't know what the outcome would be and even if I knew, of course you're going to do everything in your power to save your husband no matter HOW he ends up! It was a horrible time." 

When it all boils down to it, Jeff Poulsen faced the same struggles and loss as in these Hollywood depictions.  But there is a notable difference with Jeff Poulsen.  He allowed his trial to bring him closer to his spouse and to God.  Jeff didn't turn to pornography, or try to find himself by leaving Cheri.  Cheri, while tortured to see her husband this way didn't leave him behind because her life was now nothing like she'd imagined. Cheri and Jeff also didn't opt for assisted suicide.

What they DID do was focus on what the Lord sends all of us here to do - they focused on being self-less for each other.  They focused on their divine roles as a mother and father, and they were there for Alyssa.  They continually rely on their faith to get them through the hard times, and even though it's still not easy, they OVERCAME IT, and they DID IT TOGETHER.

They raised Alyssa into a beautiful woman who is full of integrity, and kindness.

Their life is not easy, but their life is worth it, and it's worth it because they have each other!

Cheri said, "Now when it comes down to it, he's happy he lives and got to see his daughter grow up - the sweet baby girl he waited so long for, grow up and still be a part of her life. Not in the physical sense.... But in every other way."

So this is the message I was searching for and couldn't find in Hollywood.  This is the message that should really be on the big screen - it's a message that should be shared with all the world:

Jeff and Cheri are the epitome of success amid trials & adversity.  THEY DID IT - THEY ARE STILL MAKING IT, they gave their daughter the best lesson they could have ever given her & they did it by example!  You know what?

YOU CAN, TOO!

Life is not easy. Marriage is not easy.  Love is not easy.  But Jeff and Cheri have shown us the answers we need to hear by their examples - they are both selfless.  Jeff may have not wanted to live, but he was selfless and did it FOR HER.  Cheri may have not imagined her life with her sports-fanatic husband needing help because of a disability, but she did it FOR HIM.  This is what you call TRUE LOVE, and because of it, they raised Alyssa together, and were able to move forward in faith FOR HER.

One of Cheri's most recent facebook posts stated,

"When you have a heavy heart, you go to the temple. When you have doubts and fears, you go to the temple. When you worry and wonder, yes, you go to the temple... because you'll always come out feeling much better! I don't know what the future holds, but I'll do what the Lord has in store for me."

This is yet another example of selfless-ness.  Living in a 

family life with a disability affects every single aspect of their 

lives.  Every. Single. One.  And yet, they believe that God has 

His hand in all things.  And they submit their will to His, 

and they do all of this FOR HIM.

With all of my heart, I know that there is going to be a stunning, unimaginably beautiful day where the Lord will make up for all the pain, hurt, and difficult times for Jeff & Cheri.  I can't wait for that beautiful day, when this particular LOVE STORY will be the one that gets all the GLORY it deserves.

In the mean time, I just feel really lucky to know them.  I have learned so much by the lessons they teach by example every single day; theirs is the kind of story that should be played on the big screen, because life and love amid adversity is absolutely worth fighting for.

Tithing and Temptations

A couple weeks ago on a Wednesday, I was getting ready to pay bills.

You know how bills go.

Sometimes they go smoothly.   But it all just depends on how rocky the extra life events are currently going in your life.  There can be times when the deadlines of bills don't mesh so well with the rest of your life.

Well we happen to have several large life events going on at once in this season of our married life.  On this particular Wednesday, we had a situation where I had a choice to make.  I could pay my tithing, or I could pay something else that had a pressing deadline, and then pay the tithing on Friday instead when we would get paid again.

So I wouldn't really have not paid my tithing.

I was just tempted to delay my tithing 2 days.

That's not the same as NOT paying your tithing.  

Right?  

Now, I realize that to some this could be a non-issue, because their agreement with God has different terms...like say for example, if you've committed to God that you're going to pay once annually, and that works for you, then I think that's awesome.

But my agreement with God doesn't really work that way.

A long time ago my husband and I decided that in regards to tithing our plan is to pay it first - it doesn't work for us to pay it once annually.  With the way we manage things, it's best for us to pay it off the top of our income as it rolls in.  Based off of scriptural promises and even past experiences, our belief is that IF we pay our tithing first, the other things will work out and the blessings He promised will come.

Well...here it was Wednesday, and it would have been so much easier to pay this other pressing need with a deadline first, so I called Mitch about it.

His quick response was, "Just pay tithing - it'll work out."  I said, "You're right, I don't know why this is a temptation for me."  But he reassured the reason it seemed like a temptation was because it was.

So we moved forward with faith, and we paid tithing.

The next day my car broke down.

Then I was tempted. AGAIN.  I was tempted to be upset.

I heard this squeaking noise start to happen as I was loading up the car with my children in it. As the squeaking continued, I thought, "I've had a squeaky belt before...I'll just try to drive this down the street a little."  By the end of the street, which is not very far, the squeaking didn't go away, and I lost all power steering.  Turning around was suddenly a major feat.  I was headed to work, so part of me had hoped I could have gone all the way there, but as I was man-handling the wheel & trying to power my car to turn, I quickly realized, there was no hope of getting anywhere outside the neighborhood.  All I could pray for was to get back home.  By the time I got back around the block, which is still not very far at all, there was this burning smell, and my car was overheating.  I limped into a parking position, popped the hood, and quickly got my children out of the vehicle.  Miles was seriously worried and said, "I don't want the car to blow up!"

I pulled out the hose & started cooling off the radiator - steam was flying everywhere from every part of the area under the hood. The neighbor down the way came to ask if I needed help.  He was certainly amazing & found exactly what went wrong, gave me advice, and said he'd come back to help my husband when we replaced the pulley.

Well...later that night I was still tempted to be upset.  Why?  I JUST PAID MY TITHING, and the car breaking down wasn't what I thought we needed at this time...we have another pressing deadline - like the most major pressing deadline of our entire married lives coming up 6 weeks from the time my car broke down, so in my head I just wondered why this had to happen NOW - of all times.  But then that night we were reading scriptures...I'm pretty sure it was this scripture that we read:

1 Nephi 14:1-2 

1 And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in power, in very deed, unto the taking away of their stumbling blocks—

 2 And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, they shall be numbered among the house of Israel; and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised landforever; they shall be no more brought down into captivity; and the house of Israel shall no more be confounded.

I stopped Mitch & we read it again - the part about not hardening our hearts just really stuck out to me, and I knew that my murmurings were hardening my heart.  So I let it go, and I chose to be grateful.  And I know my husband decided to focus more on what we knew to be the silver linings in that day.

• My car broke down ON MY STREET instead of half way to work, or anywhere else.  
• Neighbors were readily available offering assistance in any way we needed - borrowing cars, mechanical advice, service....  
• Irrational or not, the car didn't blow up like Miles feared.  (Although when I thought of the "irrational" part of this, in the back of my mind this thought reminded me that for the last 6 months whenever I had the kids loaded in the car & I needed to grab something, a different worry than normal would come to me, and I would think -  "What would I do if my car caught on fire & the kids were in the car?"  So that thought caused me to be cautious for the last 6 months and slightly paranoid.  Part of me felt like his fears really weren't all that "irrational" at all.)

After scripture study, Mitchell went out to the car to work on it.  When we popped the hood, we smelled something new...something that even the neighbor hadn't noticed earlier, but was shocked to smell with us now.  Enough time had passed by for the rubber burning smell to go away...the rubber burning smell was what caused me to hesitate in the beginning of the day - it's what I thought was really wrong with my car.  Standing by the car after scriptures that night, I learned that the rubber-burning/belt issue was just a cover-up for a much larger problem that I couldn't tell was there earlier.  

We had an electrical fire going on in my van.

And the kids had been in it.

The fire damage had ruined all of my automatic controls - so I couldn't unlock the car.

When we drive, the cars automatically lock.  Because the automatic locks & sensors were no longer working, that means I could have been somewhere random on the road with my car on on fire, and I could have had a very difficult time getting my children out of the car.

The realization just sank deep into my soul.



All of this happened on a Thursday - the day after I had been tempted with my tithing.

On Friday, we got paid, and that pressing issue with a deadline also worked out.

But every time I look at that van...it is still broken down, actually...but, even though it's a hardship, and even though my mom's life is not easy because she's loaning me her car, and I keep telling her to quit enabling me by being so nice, and even though I cannot purchase a new vehicle for a few more weeks, and even though my husband is at a total loss for why the vehicle is not sparking even though he replaced so many things...

I am so extremely grateful that the blessing for paying my tithing was that my car broke down.  I cannot deny the overwhelming mercies that occurred - it broke down in a very safe place for me and my children, and no harm or trauma or worse hardships occurred in the process of the electrical fire.  I know the Lord is in the details and I know without a doubt that He protected us that day.

My lesson for the books:  Pay your tithing. Do not delay. Remember that when the blessing on your head is not what you expected - just be grateful, because there's Someone above who knows so much more than you do about the assistance you really need.


A few photos:

Here's a photo of the charred innards of one of the fuse panels - somewhere around here I have a photo of what seems like a huge bouquet of burned wires & fuses - some of them melted together, some of them were just singed, but all of them were brown & discolored from burning.

Just one example of one person reaching out to us, and while someone was already helping us at the time we got the text, I was so thankful this kind man cared enough to check on us.

 Here are some angels on earth from Mitch's teacher's quorum. 

SILENT NO MORE: Why We Opted Out of the AzMerit

I learned important lessons this month:

1) I disagree with the contracts teachers are required to sign that force them to remain silent.

2) I can be brave and I will speak up.


THE SILENCING
If you've ever been a teacher in this country, you will know that a teaching contract actually takes away your right to speak up about your opinions regarding educational laws and political choices that influence education.  When you sign a contract you have the impression that you will lose your job if you EVER cross this line, so you train your self to be tight lipped about the way you feel.


THE DAMAGE OF BEING SILENCED
You know what?  This is wrong and it's extremely damaging to individuals.  It also creates a negative environment to work in that stifles creativity and expression.  The damaging effects of this restriction is actually something that lasts in your life far longer than the last day you have a teaching contract.  For me, the damage has lasted for 7 years.

Now don't get me wrong - I can definitely understand the importance of being neutral in the classroom so the children can formulate their own opinions, and to allow them to skip out on controversy when they need to focus on reading, writing, & arithmetic.  But to force an adult to remain silent in staff meetings and in the community on issues that are closest to their heart is detrimental not only to these amazing educators as individuals, but it's detrimental to our educational system.  The way I see it is that differing opinions can tug and pull to find a happy middle ground that can benefit everyone.  The way it works now is that instead of having the tug and pull of differing opinions of individuals who are IN THE TRENCHES of education, they are SILENCED and instead, all of the decisions are spoken about & influenced by outside sources who are not involved in the daily effects & consequences of all the political decisions that rule the classroom.

I also have seen from experience that not everyone completely follows this rule to remain silent - especially not in staff meetings, and especially not as union members.  Typically I have seen that people who agree with the political ties affiliated with educational change will speak up of their approval, and I have also seen them to paint individuals who might disagree as "haters of education".  Politically this usually translates into - "if you vote for Democrats, we like you, if you vote for Republicans you must not care about children".  In the classroom setting you must tow the line very carefully.  In the classroom setting all of this contractual business translates into, "if you promote liberal ideology that's okay, but if you hint at conservative/moral principles, you'd better watch out."  For example, in a social studies lesson a long time ago, a student asked me if abortion was the same as miscarriage and I responded, "Miscarriage happens naturally, but abortion is a choice."  I got called into the principal's office over this - a parent complained - apparently not everyone views this topic that way.  I've never forgotten that because it made me feel like in the classroom you're not even allowed to give clear definitions - and THAT is insane.


SILENT NO MORE
As a Conservative Republican and LOVER of EDUCATION, I am going to "fly my freak flag" & explain why I chose to "Opt Out" of the Az Merit.

I am not against Standardized Testing.  I am against the data-mining that is allowed for psychoanalysis of our children.  I am against the way this test allows personal information to be stored on our children & sold to third parties, but that everything is hush-hush if the parents want to know.  This data mining of information on our children means that the test results can be used FOR OR AGAINST them for any reason under the sun at any time of their life.

No, I'm not crazy.

No, I don't hate children or education.

As much as I believe that Big Brother needs to get out of my life, and as much as I wanted to stand up for this, I have to say that I was very scared to do so.  I was more afraid to face my peers than I ever have been in my life.  I was afraid to stand up for what I believed and opt out of this test because I didn't want my colleagues to demonize me as a hater of education.  There are so many people I respect who have different opinions than I do, and I was afraid of what they would think of me.  So to ease this conflict, I stifled my feelings and I put my son on the bus on the 1st day of the AZ Merit testing.  My friend Laurie, who was also conflicted about the test was going to send her son to school also, and we were texting back and forth.  As I watched him get on the bus and as I thought about the reasons I was choosing to do what everyone else was doing and ignoring what I believed about this test, I thought, "Am I choosing the easier wrong instead of the harder right?"  In my heart, I knew that the answer was yes - for me and my family and what I knew about this test and for the cowardly reasons of not wanting to face my peers with my true opinion, the answer was yes.  I rethought my decision and was going to go down to the school to pick my son up, but by the time I called it was too late to pull him out on that first day of testing.

My friend Laurie was super brave.  She was the first one in the history of the public school our kids attend to ever stand up against the AZ Merit.  Unfortunately she received a lot of heat for her decision - including a grueling 45 minute conversation with the principal.  I'm proud of her, because she forged the path, and she made it easier for me to stand up for what I believed in.  After some things my son said when he came home from the testing I knew I couldn't do that again, and after the feeling I had when I sent him, I knew I needed to stand up for what I believed in.  So I wrote a letter to the principal, and even though I knew what I needed to do, I had a really hard time taking this stand.

I probably stared at the send button for about an hour and a half before I chose to send it.  Not kidding.


THE LETTER

"Hi (Principals' Name)!

I have been conflicted about the AzMerit Test.  

I am not against standardized testing, and I recognize the need to have a benchmark standard & assessment. I have even viewed the sample questions and am fully aware that the content of the test is grade level appropriate and in line with what the kids have been learning at school.  However, I am not happy with the way our children's constitutional rights & privacy are being ignored with this test.  

There are many statements by those who created the test that my husband and I both find worrisome.  They talk about data-mining with the test results--storing the results for years and allowing outside companies access to our children's information even though parents are not allowed access to their answers.   By executive order, some of the data that is allowed to be stored can include hand writing samples and other bio-metric information of our children.  They can even perform psychoanalysis on the test results for whatever reason they so choose.  I feel that the government has absolutely overstepped their bounds in respect to their control of the educational system, the rights of our children, and the rights of the parents.

On Tuesday, I almost did not send Tyson to school, but I put him on the bus anyway.  In the following half hour I was rethinking my decision & planned to come pick him up from school to opt out of the test.  When I called the school shortly after 9am, however, I found out the test was already being administered, so I chose to not make a ruckus.

When he got home from school, I asked him how the day went.  I also asked him about the test.  I asked him if he was asked to write on a controversial topic or just a normal topic.  He gave me vague details, and it sounded like an age-appropriate/grade level sort of writing exercise.  But then he said, "We should be careful about talking about the test, because one of us could get arrested." 

I wondered why he would have that impression. 

I know impressions like that don't come from either you or (his teacher).  (She) is one of the most supportive teachers of parents & family that I've ever encountered.  She's been amazing.  (She also provided the website for the sample questions, which I appreciated.)  I've also seen you in action as the Principal in meetings, at events, & assemblies and know you exemplify quality character for my kids to see, which I absolutely appreciate.  

The impression my son got that he's not allowed to talk to his parents about what happens at school came from whatever he was told in the testing instructions.  We discussed the importance of not talking to friends about test information because that's called cheating & it's wrong.  But at the end of the day, no matter what happens at school - a test, an interaction, a lesson, whatever it may be - if a child feels like they aren't allowed to talk to their parents about it, it's overstepping the boundaries & purpose of the educational system.  It's wrong, and we don't need to be a part of it.

With all of that being said, Tyson told me that he has to pass the Reading portion in order to move on to 4th grade, but I also heard the schools don't get the test results until after the next school year begins, so I need to know which of those is true.  If Tyson doesn't take the Reading portion of the AzMerit, please let me know what other provisions are in place to ensure he will move on to 4th grade?  

Lastly, please also let me or my husband know if we need to send Tyson to school to read in the front office or some other location while the testing happens or if he needs to just stay home.

Thank you so much!..."

My experience turned out better than my friend, Laurie's.  I only had to speak to the principal for 20 minutes, my son's teacher said that she completely understood my concerns, but that she's "just a job with no opinion".  And then she was very kind each day to send me a message as soon as the testing was over so that Tyson didn't miss more school than he needed to.  Because the principal preferred for us to keep the kids at home, we did, and we made some fun memories as I guess I was apparently teaching my son what it meant to be "civilly disobedient".

I will say that on the 2nd day of testing, I had a ton of other feelings...feelings like, "Am I crazy?"  But I will tell you right now - the feelings I had after I opted out felt so much better than the feelings I had on the day I opted in.  I do not regret my decision for one second.

SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR

I decided not to renew my teaching contract when I had my 2nd child because I wanted to stay home with the kids and raise them - even with less money I felt it was important for our family to do that at that time.  All the years that I have not worked full time have clipped by quickly.  But what hasn't left quickly was the subconscious feeling that I should remain silent on educational issues.

One decision I made that I have regretted was the choice of not giving a public endorsement of Eddie Farnsworth when he was last up for election.  I have obtained signatures for him to be on the ballot before, but last time he was running, I was afraid to have my name connected with his online because I was afraid to stand up to my peers in education.  I didn't want to take the heat for what they might say.  I was conflicted on the issues that were happening.  I was also so busy being a mom, and I didn't feel well enough educated on the issues to feel like I could defend myself with reasons that would make me NOT look bad to my peers.

Well, being a busy mom is not a free pass to be silent. 

And if you're a mom (or dad), you had better be more invested than you've ever been in the things that affect your children's education or you will find your children indoctrinated with whatever the government chooses.  If you stay out of political issues because you think you're so busy raising children, you will actually find yourself in a position with no power to make changes that will help your kids.

So I would just like to say that I vote for Eddie Farnsworth.  I like him because he is unwavering on conservative principals.  Some people might say he's too much.  But he is passionate.  Some people say you need to "reach across the aisle", but usually when they say that, what they really mean is that you need to change your opinion and do it their way--usually the people I have heard say that have been liberals who don't like conservative politics.  I do agree with the statement of reaching across the aisle in regards to being kind and I do feel that in government it is a blessing to have differing opinions so that that all people and views can be represented.  Sometimes because there is a tug and pull in opinions you end up with a happy medium in the middle.  Well the problem that has been increasing over time in politics is that the conservatives are continuously compromising, and the liberals are not.  In the end the conservatives are not protected or made to feel that their voices are even allowed to be spoken because it differs from what's "politically correct".  Well anyway, I like Eddie because he is conservative always - he is not a wavering conservative who turns moderate, and then eventually liberal.  You know what to expect with him, and he speaks up for the principals that resonate with me.

In AZ education, public school people like to demonize Eddie Farnsworth because he runs the Benjamin Franklin charter schools.  I have been involved in our local school district's "Zero-Based Budgeting Committee", and I cannot tell you how many negative things were spoken of in regards to charter schools.  I would even go so far as to say that during that time as I was around all those people--the people who actually shouldn't have really been expressing their opinions because of their contractual agreements but who voiced their opinions anyway-- I also began to believe that charter schools were ruining my life in regards to the public education of my children.  But this is the thing - charter schools have actually improved the quality of the options public schools now offer.  Public schools have to compete with charter schools and so it improves the educational standard as they cater to the "customers" needs and wants.  

I personally do not like that charter schools have affected our sense of community...in my boys' church classes, among about 10 kids or less you might find that the kids attend 5 different schools even though we all geographically live within the same square mile.  It's hard for the sense of community.  It's hard that our kids have neighborhood friends, church friends, and school friends.  It's hard that they feel like they only have a bunch of acquaintances instead of a core group of friends that they do everything with.  The sense of community is so dramatically different than the way I grew up as a kid, and I am not happy that it is this way for my children.  At any rate, that's not going to change back - we will never be able to go back to the way things used to be.  As time goes on, however, I have realized in a better way why people are fleeing public schools and going to charter schools or home-schooling.   

I have realized that it's because parents feel like they have better rights in regards to the education of their children when they go to charter school or when they home-school, and they don't feel so safe or as protected by the education system at the public school that is now so extremely affected by the federal government (as we have seen with our experience opting out of the AzMerit and the federal regulations that rub me wrong about Common Core and what our federal government can do with the results).  It is true that even the charter schools have to take this test, but over all throughout the school year at a charter school, the parents feel like they have more rights in regards to the education of their children, and that is why I believe so many people go there.

The message folks, is that charter schools are not the problem.  Eddie Farnsworth (or any other person who is connected to a charter school whether they are in politics or not) is not the problem.  The funding lost to public schools because of the large groups of people who are going to charter schools is not the problem.  

The budget issues you see are a SYMPTOM of the LARGER PROBLEMS.  One major "larger problem" in particular is that the government is overstepping its boundaries.  The federal government is trampling on the constitutional rights of students and parents, and they are trying to control our lives with the strings of money that are attached to all of the things they do.  The federal government has been doing this for years, and people are slowly but surely fighting back.  

You'd better believe that I am one of them. 

I am still supporting my local public schools, but opting out of this test is something I really needed to do for myself and for my children, and I am so glad I chose to do it. 

Opt Out AZ.

Family Night - Testimonies from the Easter Pageant

We had Family Night tonight.

The boys were in charge of the lesson.  Miles introduced everyone to family night and conducted the order of things in a "man voice".  Tyson & Emmett tag teamed the lesson with our family night lesson pack. They found the story of the healing of the blind man from the Bible.  It was fabulous.  We remembered there was so much more to this particular story than what was able to be portrayed in the short healing & teaching scene that showed pieces of several miracles that Jesus performed.

At the end, they bore their testimonies.

Emmett said that by the last night of the Easter Pageant, he felt a giant spirit in his heart.  He also said that when he was two, three, and four, his testimony wasn't very good, but that as he's done a lot of good things, it's gotten bigger.  He also said that he knows Jesus is REAL. Emmett then said that he knows he will get baptized someday and get his own scriptures and scripture case. :)  

Tyson bore his testimony, too. It was simple, but from the heart - about knowing Thomas S. Monson is the prophet on earth today, and that we're going to be together forever as a family.

The other night driving home from the Easter Pageant, Tyson shared a profound thought.  He said that during the scene of the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus is praying, he was listening to the narrator.  The narrator said that no event in the history of the world had more significance for mankind than Jesus' selfless sacrifice.  Tyson said that part really "grabbed [his] attention", and he knew that "there really was no other event that was more important than what Jesus did for us."

Miles wanted to bear his testimony tonight, and Emmett was so excited to help him.  He started him off with the words, "I would like to bury my testimony..."  :)


Earlier today, Miles told me he wanted to go to the Easter Pageant and see the fire. :)  We were in the group that sat closest to the torch bearers this year, and we watched the fire every night.  When I told him Easter was yesterday and that the Easter Pageant was over for this year, he was crestfallen.  Then he said, "I want to see the fire at the Easter Pageant - it looks like marshmallows on fire with a stick."  :)

After Emmett helped Miles by giving him the best testimony he could help him say, Emmett decided he wanted to bear his testimony with even more things to say, so he did.



When Emmett wanted to add more things, Tyson said, "Oh, expanded form."  He's such a brainiac, whiz-kid.  That's such a nerdy joke. :)  It's totally a Borden kind of thing, too.   He does things like that all the time.  For example, just the other night he told me he loves me "more than the perimeter of space".  I love my kids - when they try to express themselves, I get these enlightening little glimpses of the way they view the world.  They are amazing little people.

Mitchell shared his testimony about how one night on stage, it felt like it was just he and the other actors - that no one else was around, and they were all just there together telling this amazing story.  It wasn't until after that he realized there were so many other people there watching...thousands, even.  Another experience he shared with us was the way the Roman Centurion must have felt - he realized that Jesus was "more than just a man" and that they did something terrible by crucifying him.  Mitchell explained the relief he felt at the end of the Pageant each night as the Centurion comes to know that Jesus Christ really was resurrected...that after playing such a part in Christ's death, that because of the guilt that must have tormented him the truth of Christ's resurrection was something he truly needed to know.  What promise and hope and RELIEF that must have brought to him.  Mitchell likened that to the way our sins have all contributed to Christ's suffering & sacrifice, but that we can all experience that relief when we turn to Jesus Christ and repent.

I also gained a stronger testimony this year of Jesus Christ.  I portrayed a follower in the crowd.  I got to see Jesus perform miracles and bring the dead to life.  I got to see the blind man healed.  I got to stand on the grass with my kids shouting, "Hosanna", and hear my oldest yell, "He is Christ, the King!"  One of those nights, my own father even joined us in the multitude and sang "I know He lives" right by my side during the Finale.  That was the 1st time in 18 years of our family's participation that we ever got to share a moment like that as father and daughter on the stage.  It was so special to see him turn and smile at me right before the ascension.  On some of those nights, while we were standing on the grass, the actor who portrayed Jesus would ride the donkey right past us.  Sometimes when he went past us, or when he was on the main stage during a freeze, or sometimes during the final ascension, for just a little bit he would look into my eyes.  I felt the Spirit every time.  I can't perfectly describe how it felt, but it felt like for just a moment the real Jesus was there and that he knew me - He knew my heart, that I believed in Him, and that I wanted to be close to Him.  It reminds me of the song our ward choir sang in church for Easter Sunday -- "He knows I will follow Him - give all my life to Him.  I feel my Savior's love - the love he freely gives me." 

For me, nothing quite compares to the beauty of an Easter morning.  Knowing that my Savior lives has changed everything for me. It has made my life beautiful, it has brought healing, it has brought hope, it has brought happiness, and has given me the strength to endure all of my trials.  It is the very thing that I know will get me through anything else that I may have to experience in this life.  I know Jesus Christ lives and that He loves me, and that he doesn't just know my name - that he knows EVERYTHING about me.  And I know that's how he feels about you, too.  It's the most beautiful thing.