On ANTIFA, BLM, Terrorism, Violence, Fascism, and Propaganda

So much unthinkable tragedy and discord in America had just occurred before the Kennedy Space Center launched American astronauts into orbit in May of this year. The sadness of those events did overshadow the progress our country was making with the space race. At that point, I remember President Trump hadn’t made an official address to America yet after George Floyd’s Death, and so awkward as it may have been to address the racism in the country, I also felt it was necessary, and was glad he didn’t skirt around it at the rocket launch. At least he didn’t ignore the tragedies and just focus on the rocket, right? I remember him declaring during his speech that ANTIFA would be labeled as a terrorist organization. Because of all of the violence that had been occurring, I agreed with him that this should be done and I felt very grateful. As time has gone on, I would like to alter the expression of my stance a little bit on this and provide clarification specifically in regards to problematic issues surrounding smeared definitions between organizations and movements, and to identify some examples of widespread propaganda.

A few problems connecting ANTIFA, BLM, and rhetoric:

• ANTIFA sounds like an abbreviation or a code used for texting that no one knows. 

• How many people on the street ACTUALLY know that Antifa is an ideology that stands for Anti-fascist? How many know there is a history connected the groupings of various Antifa individuals, going as far back as the days of those organizing to oppose Hilter?

• For those who KNOW it means anti-fascist, who are also law-abiding citizens, how many of them are allowed to now refer to themselves as such without turning a regular conversation into one with tension?  

The issue with rhetoric was probably exposed to me best when I chose to attend a family-friendly, and socially-distanced local awareness protest put on by my friend to rally as allies in a grassroots participation of the black lives matter sentiment (I do agree with the concept of the statement that “All Lives Matter”, and I understand that “Blue Lives Matter”, but because all lives matter, that is why black lives matter, to me; under the current events of that month in America it was timely and important to me to express my support specifically for black lives in America). It was a hard day logistically for our family, but my husband was willing to not just come with me, but to make it happen in the mix of our chaos if I felt strongly enough that we needed to go, which I did. But when I said we should put “BLM” on our van, he became extremely uncomfortable (while I come from a patriarchal-led background and remain active within the religion, my husband and I approach our relationship together as a team) and we went away from the kids for a moment to have a heart-to-heart, although quick discussion about this. Therein he expressed:

• Black Lives Matter, the organization, has some extreme individuals saying and doing very bad things. Their actions, comments, and threats are very concerning.

• We can love black people but we cannot associate ourselves with BLM--the organization--or promote the organization itself which is well-known for going by “BLM”.

• BLM the organization promotes terrorist ideology with their actions.

We still went to the rally. But I was stunned, and didn't actually know what to say or how to say it anymore, and so I asked my husband to please be the one who explained to the children why we were still going. My husband was the man I know he is in his core. He did in fact give our kids a very heart-felt expression and thorough explanation of what it means TO NOT BE RACIST. He did a BETTER JOB sharing this essential message for them to understand than I would have done, even if I had done it prior to my conflicted state after our discussion before leaving. We drove up and down the road honking in support of our socially distanced friends.  We cheered out the windows for them. My son Miles yelled out the car, “We love you black people!” The expressions on the faces of the people of color at the rally in response to our familial support to them as allies filled my heart. We made happy memories, unified as a family, in support of people we care about, and it was fun.

But we did not put BLM on our car. 

No one else at the event knew that, but I knew it. I also knew that BLM was an abbreviated acronym that most people would understand, which is interestingly sort of a different angle than the ambiguous nature of the ANTIFA abbreviation.

But even so, I was essentially able to speak freely within my home and family environment, but I was not able to speak freely in my community at large - not in the way I wanted to with the sign on my car (the expression of my “personal voice” on that sign would have reached more individuals with my support of the movement that day while we were in traffic). I made the choice WITH my husband, and I do not resent him or this decision for that moment in time - it was a compromise that has caused growth for all of us.  He needed to be true to himself to be able to participate and I respect that. Not to mention if I had been a better planner in the days leading up to the event, I would have been ready with a different sign anyway. The painter’s tape idea was a last-ditch effort during our time-crunch.

I need to point out that the way my husband feels is NOT an isolated thing to just him. I know MANY people who feel this way. The REASONING for specifically saying that “Black Lives Matter” is silenced from them by choice in public settings and they specifically do not use that slogan because they have learned that “BLM” (the organization) has individuals who are acting like a terrorist organization to incite violence.  Except “they” had NO TIES WHATSOEVER to the local institution of this rally I attended.  “They” (the bad guys) were not involved with our beliefs on black lives matter whatsoever, and ours was a non-violent, specifically family-friendly, expression of support to people of color. 

While I can VERY CLEARLY understand the difference between people who act like terrorists and people who use their freedom of speech, and yet this “silencing” of my own voice is STILL happening to me, then it makes me wonder how many other people there are who are afraid to say that they are anti-racist?

Furthermore, how many people are afraid to speak up specifically for the marginalization of the black population that has continued in systemically nuanced ways BECAUSE the identification of the “BLM terrorist organization” is now something that has been allowed to smear the meaning of the movement? 

How many of those people feel that they can express their anti-racism freely or even in a simple way? Even to people they are close to? And how many people who would have had the energy to enact real changes for America regarding systemic change for POC now have their time wasted by being caught up in “not talking” about it and focusing on being careful about what they say instead?

This same kind of emotional fear, silencing, and diversion is happening to people who would otherwise like to openly speak up about being anti-fascist now that “Antifa” is labeled a terrorist organization even though the FBI says it’s technically an ideology.  The effects on normal individuals are very subtle - they may not even know it’s happening to them, and the people perpetuating it may not even realize what they’re doing.

Who were the TERRORISTS after 9/11?

This month marked 19 years since 9/11, and I have recently been remembering what it was like back in those days when the general level of suspicion towards Muslims increased across America.  No one really talks about this openly, but it seemed to me that after 9/11 many people felt that all Muslims were suspect terrorists, or that all Muslims might somehow be connected to a terrorism ideology that could manifest at anytime. 

Years down the road I met one of the best friends I could ask for, who happens to be Muslim, and she explained that it was after 9/11 that she began wearing her hijab more intentionally in public and that her family was worried for her. I have so much respect for her example to follow her beliefs and to use her freedom of religious expression. Being Muslim in the Western world, and especially in a post 9/11 America is likely difficult at times, but she embraced the courage to be herself and to express her human right to follow her religion. I have perceived that her lifestyle has helped her on her own path to lead a meaningful life as she seeks spiritual transcendence and to live in peace with the world and also embrace the diversity of the community around her with her genuine love. Interestingly enough, being a Latter-Day-Saint (formerly labeled “Mormon” woman), I found that despite our theological differences, we have had a lot in common to share between our religious journeys; I have learnt a lot from her, gaining deep strength from her friendship and insights. 

Back to our government - America has not been perfect in handling a post 9/11 world, but I have noticed that there has been a purposeful distinction by our government (and then by extention the media’s reporting on the government’s influence) to clearly educate the masses by their expressions that there is a difference between Islam and terrorists who profess to be Islamic.  In so doing the government and the media have contributed to letting Muslims be. I hope most Muslim people have been able to continue living their normal lives and enjoying their human rights and freedom in America. I appreciate that the government, media, and by extension the sentiments of the general public at large when they have regular conversations will include the distinctions and understanding that it is “Al-Qaida” and “ISIS” (and other extremist groups) that are the terrorists.  

With no intent to minimize the difficulties of perceptions that American Muslims may have experienced post 9/11, I would still like to ask: Can you imagine what would have happened to innocent people (like my friend, or the Muslim population in America at large) if our government had chosen NOT to make the distinction between all of the Islamic people vs. those being fought as a terrorist group? 

Quick Talk About Violence:

Martin Luther King Jr was a hero. Especially in 2020, most everyone desires causes and movements to be promoted with non-violence and with words just like he did.  

Paradoxically, many of those same people I have heard criticize the use of violence will often also say that they would be willing to use violence when they feel it is justified - usually to protect themselves while defending their own angle of a cause, or if they were threatened.

I recently read in “Dixie Be Damned” that 1960’s newspapers gave extra press to non-violent protests to make it seem that the overarching and widespread struggle with racism was pervasively a non-violent experience, or perhaps to encourage peaceful behavior instead. Interestingly enough, non-violence was not the norm. There were situations where police sent dogs to attack black kids at a protest of school-children, and where people drove around in cars with signs saying it was their “open season to hunt” black people.  

Forget skin color for a second: If the police were to sick a dog on your child at a peaceful protest, or if you saw murderers going around your streets with signs like that, would you remain non-violent against those kinds of sickos? Would you trust that kind of person if they did that to you and YOUR KID? Would you remain non-violent after the moment?  What about in the moment?

And then what is the kind of story that would be shared in the news - would your story even be told? Would it be told accurately? Would there be a spin on it? Even if the news reported with accuracy and non-bias, and with all information accounted for - what would that story look like in gossip circles of assumption?

Martin Luther King Jr was revered, but I wonder: did he just happen to come at the right time and place after so much violence had occurred?  Both unnecessary violence and necessary violence arguably occured in those times and maybe people were tired enough to listen to Martin Luther King because they needed the war to stop. Thank God Martin Luther King Jr came and America listened.  But also, I wonder, why didn’t they listen before the violence started and only after they were tired?

As a parent I make chore requests of my kids and sometimes they don’t want to listen (especially if it’s an extra chore) - a lot of this comes because of unfair expectations that come with a large family, some of it is my own ADHD with following through.  When I realize I have asked kindly and patiently sometimes 3 or 5 and even up to 10 times, then my impatience shows through - “DO THIS NOW, I HAVE ASKED YOU SO MANY TIMES NICELY, WHY DO YOU WAIT UNTIL I SAY IT IN A MEAN WAY?”  Ask my oldest - he’s probably heard this vented frustration over the years more than the rest. 

But really - why?

Why will we allow marginalization and ostracization to occur and occur and occur, until extreme things happen?

Is it because it’s a chore?

A chore to care?

A chore to listen?

As a general and large group of American people we wait to ACTUALLY LISTEN to others. This is what parents want from their children.  But we are grown adults with the cognitive ability to apply this kind of behavior we so desperately desire to teach to children.

So why don’t we ACTUALLY TRY to empathize with adults who speak of their experiences in oppression?  Why do we wait until it’s way too late, and until we have sacrificed the day-to-day lives of so many? 

By leaving people oppressed in a trap of systemic hell and helplessness for generations on end and then refusing to listen when they kindly use calm and patient words, but to then reject their words and refusing to embrace change until they are literally so traumatized that they won’t take it anymore…. 

That makes me wonder even further:

Who are we, and what do we even believe in as Americans if we’re going to be that kind of people? 

Modern and Arguably Fascist Propaganda - Including an example from Rawanda

In the Spokesman-Review, Jeff Reyburn from Spokane, whom I assume to be Conservative, said it best: ”Without the right of free speech, without fear or harm, we have fascism.”

Since Antifa and BLM have been labeled terrorist organizations, there has suddenly been division caused within many safe circles. The words Antifa and BLM create a moral conflict that can create friends and family to be suspicious when you question it:

“There isn’t anyone who is pro-fascist! We’re all-anti fascist.” But how often in the same breath will those same passionate individuals ALSO say “Antifa and Black Lives Matter are NOT OKAY.”  So what’s happening is a great divide - the people who conversationally speak up, who are not even showing up to protests on the corner - people who do not wield weapons, and do not use violence, are being gas-lighted with disdain in their inner circles against using the words that literally define how they feel and where they stand - these people are not allowed to use those words anymore.

These are psychological tools of manipulation actually - to be silenced by your unsuspecting and yet participatory family and friends simply for promoting an issue of propaganda. Usually neither party even realizes the extent with which they’re participating in a negative and harmful emotional cycle caused by words.  If we live in America, and America has free speech protected by law, then why is our government purposely doing this to the “causes” and “movements” perpetuated by grass roots regular people like you and me?  Why is our government declaring the TITLES of these movements to be terrorist organizations? Isn’t capping someone’s free-speech and using psychological manipulation in the tool-bag of the Fascist? 

Isn’t this a Fascist tone perpetuated by an authoritarian movement that likes to make the little people do their dirty work for them?  Little people like Moms and Dads, and brothers and sisters, and community members, and co-workers, and friends?  “Little people '' controlled as citizens by their government, but who grow up together, go to church, and to school together. Little people who can turn on each other in an instant because they believe in their government so much. 

They’ll trust their leaders so much that they will listen to propaganda and promote the psychological war with words.  People can and DO get drafted into a war without wanting to be in one or even understanding what they’re doing. This happened in the Rawandan Holocaust. I recently read “Machete Season”, and “Finding God Amid the Rawandan Holocaust”. School friends and neighbors who had parties, special events, and close circles of support ended up turning on each other, and some picked up machetes to hunt and slaughter the people they loved.  It didn’t start with Machetes. It started with propaganda and words. The government perpetuated those words, and then there came a point that they didn’t have to even listen to the radio anymore, because the people in the cities and the suburbs and the rural areas all had the rhetoric memorized.  The words were taken to heart in the most unfeeling of ways. Regular people and even children became the soldiers. No draft needed. 

  

Finally, I’d just like to conclude my article with this expression:

I am Antifa. I am Black Lives Matter.

If you have read my article to the end you understand what I mean by this. I appreciate and adhere to non-violence.  I am also claiming my freedom of speech.

I believe, however, that it is pervasive propaganda and propaganda alone that has caused the need for me to take 3,333 words to explain my position on this topic. Perhaps the propaganda is even legitimately spun by real-life fascists in order to put a stop to the ordinary individuals like you and me who would otherwise speak-out about being anti-fascist, or who would otherwise openly speak in their families and communities of their support of something as simply expressed as “black lives” mattering. Perhaps this propaganda is perpetuated by elected government individuals who are fully aware of the divide that their words are causing. Maybe some of those leaders are not even close to aware - perhaps by hearing from their constituents they will shift the tide and change the rhetoric that so quickly affects the masses. Maybe they can and will do this, like they tried to do to recognize the humanity in the individuals who practice Islam. Mostly, and so very unfortunately however, the propaganda is spread quickly, easily, and pervasively by well-intentioned kind-hearted and loving people in large numbers who would give the shirt off their backs to you if they saw you face to face and you were in a bind. 

That is why the responsibility to change the trends of racism and fascism relies on “We the People”. We are the ones who either do or do not behave fascistly. We are the ones who are moved by propaganda to “do the dirty work”, but we don’t have to.  We have our own voices. 

It starts with you and me.

The Teacher That Does NOT Want Your Grace

In the last several weeks and months I have seen so many pleas from people who are teachers or connected to education. Some of them are begging: “Please give grace to your teachers.”

While that sentiment might be rooted somewhere from the heart, all it does is make me want to come out swinging. I wanna scream from the rooftops:

I DON’T WANT YOUR GRACE.

And here’s why: 

I know who I am.

I know my practice.

I know what has motived me to spend 71% of my take-home-pay on daycare fees and on-site learning support for my own children so that I can teach live online classes every 45 minutes during business hours. That extreme financial risk was something I could not sustain for long, and I did it WITHOUT ANY PROMISES from ANYONE that there would be an end in sight to this situation—and my employer would NOT offer a sibling discount, even in my extreme scenario. (Thank God above and thanks to the people who advocated for teachers to be treated like human beings because TOMORROW I will be considered essential and the financial burden on my family that was leading me into debt in order to simply keep my job will be alleviated.)

However, the point of that anecdote is that there is no logical reason for I did what I did. I sat down at my desk the first day back and spoke to the void: “Well it’s obvious I really love teaching.”

I have PASSION for education and I care about OTHER PEOPLES’ KIDS as much as my own—even while putting my own family financially at risk. I could have literally made far more money by resigning and signing up for pandemic unemployment assistance. 

I did what I did because I am a work-horse filled with a vision for a better future. That future can only be created by teaching critical thinking, humanity and kindness, and by connecting with the world around us.

I know who I am. I know what I do. And I know why I do it.

So don’t you dare give me your grace now, because I don’t need it and I don’t even want it.

In the past very hurtful things have been said directly to me about teachers and their profession (even said by people I care about). 

I am stronger DESPITE all of that. 

So if the people who like to hate-on and trash-talk teachers were to change who they are now, I might not be able to cope with that change. That kind of shift would mean the people who hurt me WERE capable of behaving better and that what they put me thru was unnecessary. But I already framed it. I learned to have tolerance and acceptance for their state of being. And right now I’m too busy doing my job to have to focus on forgiving anyone for the unnecessary things that were done to me in the past. 

So if you’re a cranky-teacher-hater, please stay that way. 

Your outbursts are a reflection of you and not me.

If during this pandemic you have enough resources and confidence that you can execute the educational game better than the teachers you know can do, then by all means PLEASE DO IT! Many individuals have taken that leap of faith during these uncertain times and I’m glad they have! I genuinely hope they succeed in that endeavor and I want their kids to THRIVE. I have real respect for individuals of action and I want you to do well in that endeavor because teachers TAKE JOY in seeing OTHER PEOPLE SUCCEED!  

It’s why we love your kids so much. All we want is to see them learn, grow with their skills sets, and have happy lives. Their growth LITERALLY fuels our passion to stay in the daily fight of education.

Lastly, teachers don’t really need your criticism because they’re their own worst critics. They have probably already been fighting for reforming their new systems more than any critics have. Maybe that’s why there’s been outstanding progress in a minimal amount of time from your educators and administrators despite every weekly (or daily) curve ball the government is sending.

But even when there is criticism (like when a parent might forget their kids’ microphone isn’t on mute and that parent says something rude about the teacher), even in that scenario, teachers monitor and adjust. 

They don’t sit at your job site and criticize your every play-by-play. You might not be able to think if someone was micromanaging you like that. But teachers modify on the spot now, even with parents in their virtual classrooms, and they monitor and adjust for their students because they are all about customer service and making people happy—my dad used to tell me that “even when a customer is wrong, they are right”. That humble mindset and accommodation is exactly the kind of thing teachers do every single day even tho they don’t get credit for it all the time.

But I don’t actually want to change anyone’s hearts so they will give me gratitude and grace. 

I know know how to give myself grace. I know how to reflect on and reform my teaching practice so as to always provide my students the most updated version of me and the content and pedagogy I study. I also know which classic old school practices work best. I know that I am the expert in the classroom, and that technology doesn’t replace me (thank you Bold School).

If you are cranky and scared and mad and frustrated, you have free liberty to take it out on me, because I CAN HANDLE IT! Besides, I certainly don’t want you to take all of that negativity out on your kid. If you’re going thru hard times and explode at me, I know that I should be a bit more gentle or even more patient with your child while they’re learning in my classroom—whether that’s in person or virtually. So BRING IT ON TO ME!

If you’re a teacher or administrator, keep going. You’ve got this. My son’s teacher reassured me he’s going to be catching up the last quarter of last year’s school material ALONG WITH all of this new year’s content by Spring. WOW. Just WOW! I thought my kids might be behind forever because of the 2020 rut we all found ourselves in. I cannot believe the rigor, relevance, and fast pace we’re reaching for all while using new technology and systems and while facing the fall out of the pandemic circumstances. “The future is so bright, I’ve gotta wear shades” to watch you all beat the odds! THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, and I cannot wait to watch you BUST THROUGH THE BARRIERS! This pandemic is NOT a time that is going to send our kids into a poverty trap because of YOU! You’re going to help them SOAR ABOVE IT! Go teachers, Go! You can do this and don’t you listen to the haters. “Haters gonna hate”, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO! And while you’re at it, you guys should all look into National Board Certification, because you have multiple adult critics watching your every move in every web meeting. So sending in video evidence to the National Board for them to judge your accomplished teaching practice and pedagogy can hardly compare to what you’re facing now. So seriously—in your free time, you should think about it. 

HUGS! KISSES! BOXING GLOVES! PEACE! HOPE! LOVE! And FAITH! You’ve got this!!!!

And now a picture of the new version of “take your kid to work day”. 😂

Are Women Equal Because They Vote?

I literally used to think that women were equal in America because we have the right to vote; I used to get angry or even irritated about women’s marches happening at the capitol or in Washington. I took pride in my role as a wife and mother and felt that just because we were different than men didn’t make us “less than” and it didn’t make what we do as women “less important”. I believed there was no need for women’s marches and that these women just could not “see the light” or take pride in the differences that come naturally with gender roles.

I did not vote for Hillary, and for a while I resented the fact that she said or implied that “Women voted for Trump because their husbands told them to.”

Let me make it clear that MY HUSBAND AND MY FATHER (who both supported Trump) DID NOT TELL ME I HAD TO VOTE FOR HIM. 

But let me also share 2 mini-flashbacks....

1. At one time, my hometown had a critical and controversial school year where I cast a vote for a particular pack of school board members along with an actual list I had been given of other very specific people that were highly recommended by family and friends to be the most conservative candidates. I was teetering on the edge with who to vote for on some of the candidates and was still not sure what I should do even when pulling in the lot to park. Just before I voted, I saw a neighbor and church friend who was on the side of voting specifically for this particular group of people. When I was in the booth, I cast the vote for what everyone else in my circles had been saying. I have never felt more sick to my stomach while voting. I couldn’t shake the feeling even leaving the parking lot. And that surprised me. I still see it in my memory—the day, the placement of the sun, the location of the voting center, where I parked, etc.... That day. Interestingly enough, that was a yucky and embarrassing school board season.
2. When I was dating...there was a moment in time where I specifically quit dating someone BECAUSE they were politically an Independent (among other reasons that made us less compatible, but that one was a BIG factor to me). I knew that the man I was going to ultimately marry needed to be from my religion and also in the same political party (Conservative Republican). Perhaps that was my “higher self” telling me where I needed to find him. But overall, it was expected for me to marry within the religion and that was also what I wanted for myself—I think I just absorbed the political part as also being implied even if it wasn’t said expressly. I felt all of “that stuff”—theologies and ideologies—were so important for family unity. I did find a husband who fit the profile I was seeking and who fortunately has a SLOUGH of MANY other traits and qualities that are perfect for our compatibility. I really hit the jackpot and Mitch is truly a trophy husband and I feel that we make a great team. But imagine my surprise when one of my sisters seriously dated a politically Independent man from our church—I had even heard his parents had different political parties from each other. I was very surprised and perhaps even a little confused that that was even possible, and it was difficult for me to wrap my mind around that scenario.

Next, you know there’s a lot of name calling in politics. I don’t agree with it. But sometimes I stay quiet because I don’t want to be called names (and especially not by the people I respect and care about). 

There are a lot of stereotypes, too. Often the stereotypes go so extremely far.

For example, I am NOT an advocate FOR abortion (except for maybe extreme early cases). But when another woman’s march was going on, I was in a time and season where I could see some gender inequities in my own life. At a group gathering I made a comment about how maybe I could see why some women were marching. That’s when someone I respected picked up a baby near me and said heatedly, “If someone held a knife to this baby, I would put my life in front of the baby to stop them.” I responded with “I would, too.” But the expression was clear—because I could see ANY humanity in the women who were marching, that made ME a “baby killer” since some of the people marching could have potentially wanted to pass legislation to allow or forever keep late stage, 3rd trimester abortions, which is one of the most heinous of all things our society does to children. So the idea that I could see in ANY of those women the need to speak up for themselves (whether their personal reasons for marching had anything to do with abortion or not) made me seem “just as bad as a baby killer”.

Sort of interesting, right?

Recently I was asked a question about women’s rights, and the way it was asked hit a nerve to me, because the response I gave was, “No—in my experience I was not considered to be a member of my faith in good standing if I had any ties to feminism.”

Now, let’s review the claim or question of whether or not some women are told by the men in their lives how they SHOULD vote. 

:)

Sometimes no one has to even say the words explicitly for you to absorb that kind of message.

It’s quite unfortunate, actually.

THE FIRST ELECTION WHERE

I VOTED ENTIRELY ON MY OWN:

Let’s fast forward to the 2018 Red for Ed situation, where Arizona teachers (of all political backgrounds) finally united after a decade of educational injustices that had never been fixed after the Recession. The same day I attended the rally for education at the state capitol, I was also invited to represent a local non-profit organization at a meeting that night where the AZ Superintendent of Education would be present. How amazing it was to be able to speak with the Superintendent of Public Instruction and ALSO to do that on such a historical day in our state’s history. I personally appreciated some of the changes she made in the state education program during her time in office, especially in regards to Common Core. She was outspoken against the Red for Ed march although I supported the cause. 

In agreement or disagreement with Diane Douglas, it was completely a pleasure to meet her. 

Also at the meeting was Kelli Ward. A man who was with her spoke first about how he had to go to the capitol incognito wearing a red shirt so that he could even “get in” and once he was parked and in, he ripped off his red shirt (I had been there that same day, walking all up and down the capitol—no streets were blocked off and no one was standing anywhere to “let someone in”). Then he spoke about how there was Communist literature all over the place (I had been there for hours and hours with my children and different groups of bipartisan friends—not once did I see anyone passing out literature, let alone Communist literature). Then Kelli spoke. She said that “a music teacher has no place in politics”. I just listened. Also there was a reference to how the illegal immigrants were sucking our state education system and funding dry, to which I spoke up that entire schools had been closed down after SB-1070, and that I had been to border towns even recently. I said that IF those teeny tiny groups of potentially remaining “illegal kids” at the sparsely populated border towns had an impact on the state budget, it was hard to see where they were impacting it, and that far bigger funding issues were in other places that needed to be addressed. 

After she spoke, some women at the meeting pulled me over after and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. Before the meeting they told me they were against Red for Ed because they are very sensitive to manipulation and didn’t want to be controlled by the Liberal side. I said I understood their concerns but also that manipulation happens from the Conservative angles of politics, too. After the meeting, those same women and others told me they were worried about me because of Kelli’s slam towards me saying that “a music teacher has no place in politics.” (Earlier in the meeting I had been invited to share who I was and why I was there. I had included that I was a Music Educator and that while I was representing a non-profit that night that I had attended the Red for Ed March with my 6 kids to advocate for the pervasive educational needs I saw daily in the classroom). In this conversation I realized that I had given Kelli the benefit of the doubt during her speech and that many other people expressed that they couldn’t believe she would say that to me and in front of the entire group, no less. But I knew one of the national faces of Red For Ed happened to also be a Music teacher and that had been shared in the meeting also. So whether her statement was directed AT me during the meeting or in general to music teachers, or to the more famous music teacher involved with the movement, I wasn’t going to let that kind of ignorance and rudeness get to me. In all of music history, and all across the world, musicians have affected and influenced politics—by their lyrics, by their networking, by their messages, by their outreach, by their humanity, and by their reality. So I didn’t need to feel bad about myself if Kelli had never paid attention in any of her music classes.

Anyhow, that election cycle, my respected and close circle of family and friends was adamantly against Martha McSally and were pushing hard to vote for Kelli Ward. 

But I had listened to an entire speech of Kelli’s. I had spoken to her personally. And honestly with setting all of her rudeness towards me aside, I still didn’t agree with her stance on tiny little populations of kids in sparsely populated border towns affecting Az state education as the primary and most pertinent problem to our educational funding, especially in a post SB-1070 world (I regret that particular bill ever passed. The damage of that bill may never be undone.) I also didn’t agree with it appreciate the lies told about the overall portrayal of the nature of the Red for Ed state capitol experience I had seen first hand. Maybe there were some extremist people there that I never saw among the thousands and thousands, but the sensationalist way he shared it misrepresented the entire event. 

Teachers are used to being different than each other and still working towards solutions and collaborating with anyone, but that day, all of the education world found in a disheartening and eye opening way that politicians play a very different and barbaric game that is foreign to the humanity we teach in the classroom. 

At the polls that year, when it was time to vote, I said ‘no thank you’ to any list offered to me. I made all of my own choices. I voted for Martha McSally instead of Kelli Ward and was proud that an empowered Republican woman I could respect ended up winning the spot for that position. I also happened to vote mostly Republican, but for the first time in my life I did vote across the aisle for 2 positions. Not all of the people I voted for made it in office, but I will never forget the feeling I had walking out of a polling location as an empowered woman claiming my own equality—I was in my mid thirties when for the first time I made all of my very own decisions for voting using MY OWN VOICE.

I actually didn’t talk about this, except for with one or two very close friends, and I had never intended to bring it up now.

But it was voting day again for a Primary election. 

I used my own voice again, and I was grateful that just a couple years ago I found it.

Now I’ve been studying for my Master’s degree and have been delving into some pretty serious content about humanitarianism. I am saddened that there was a time I had ever thought that there was no more need to advocate for a woman’s equality in my country or anywhere else in the world. Saddened because I know now HOW that happens. But even so, there are places all over the world where women are being horrifically abused for just being women. How could I not see that then? Did I not want to see? Was I too blinded to see?

If we can never become aware of the injustices that still exist (even systemically) in America and address them without being afraid to use our very own voices, then how can we ever imagine to empathize with anyone else who has gone thru a story of abuse and oppression? If we run from our own realities, how can we look any other woman from any other part of the world in the eye and tell her she can get through her own journey? How can we tell her she can find her inner strength if we can never find our own?

When you’re a woman and say you have equality because you can vote, but then you accept pay at a job where men routinely always start out higher then women and where they are paid twice as much because they are men, are you equally valued?

When you’re a woman who says you have equality because you vote and then you vote for the list that was circulated by your people, are you truly using your own voice?

When you’re a woman who says you’re equal due to voting rights, and then you sit on a business board as the token diversity representative with high credentials and achievements but still never have your comments respected, implemented, or valued, then are you actually valued as equal?

Anyway, there are so many examples. If you are a woman reading this, you may not need my examples. You likely have plenty of your own.

Let’s just say I am so proud to be a woman. I am happy to find and use my own voice. I am so proud of my strengths as a wife, mother, aunt, and daughter. I have a very maternal nature just like I have always had and I still take pride in my gender role. I am still living my religion and I also have respect for the need in this world for feminism. 

What really feels amazing is when I am able to speak up and express myself with autonomy (in or out of the polls).

Even if what I vote for is different than my husband or dad or mom or sibling or cousin or friend or anyone, I am learning how to be me and accept myself no matter what someone else thinks or tells me what I should be. 

I am also learning to listen to my inner voice even when another person “doesn’t tell me” what I should be.

August 4th, 2020

April 2018

Something Called Manna

A few days before our state’s announcement of emergency, I filled up a grocery cart like normal and someone said, “Wow, you’re stocking up aren’t you?” I was like, “Nope! This is just Wednesday. I have a big family and this doesn’t go far.” That lady just gave sort of a blank stare there.

After the emergency announcement was made I was shopping again and the sentiment had shifted no matter what was in anyone’s cart—“Do what you need to do for your family” was what the lady at the register was saying to everyone. As I was bagging my groceries the man next to me told me that he’s been out of work and didn’t know what to do. It made me think about who could be prepared to experience all of this, if there was anyone. Some people have hoarded A LOT—does that make them prepared physically? I felt perhaps people who are used to living one day at a time are the only ones who are really prepared for this crisis emotionally. 

My church used to have a local cannery where we could volunteer and then also purchase emergency food for our families. A long time ago I bought a lot of whole grain wheat and potatoes and beans and rice and it had a long shelf life. Because I had this resource from the Provident Living program, we had some peace of mind regarding our worst case fears and we still felt that we could go on our Spring Break vacation and visit my cousin before everything really got worse—also because we knew we needed a mental break to help us power through what was coming. And I’m glad we did because it was exactly what we needed emotionally and mentally and now we have stronger family relationships and happy memories with our cousins Gerry and Danna.

But even though we had emergency plans in place for our family, an image of me standing with eight hungry little “birds” around me kept coming to my mind. In this uncertain  crisis where big changes have happened daily or weekly we just honestly don’t know how long the effects of this pandemic will last. So even tho I have calculated how much emergency food we have and how long it will last us in a worst case scenario, I don’t want to get to that image of having 8 hungry little kids looking up at me. I also have adopted kids whose former trauma related to food is triggered in a huge way by this crisis—those behaviors can wipe out a pantry in no time—not even joking. With all that in mind, I don’t really want to be showing up at a friends or family member’s house saying, “Hey, there’s 10 of us. Can we eat all of your food?” So in my effort to stretch our food so that we don’t end up in my worst case scenario crisis situations, I have decided to pray for manna.

I have been shocked at the way the prayer has been answered. I kid you not, every time I ask God to help us stretch our food, it has happened. Below are some of the experiences that have happened to us during our COVID-19 days that have helped provide for our needs. Specifically the need for food, and some situations I now think of as my “modern day manna”. Just like the Israelites, if you take too much and have greed with your manna, it will go bad. You must take only what you need, eat it while it’s fresh, and have faith that the Lord will provide the next day, too. I think the lesson is that as you continue to seek, you will find. 

First of all, the school breakfasts and lunches are an amazing resource at this time of crisis for everyone with kids. I literally cried for gratitude the first time we went. I truly appreciate the school lunch program during this time for all kids ages 0-18. We haven’t gone every day but we go frequently and it’s nice to leave the house even tho we just drive through. And my sister Erin reminds us to go because she’s been an influential person in helping us stretch our resources for our family. She’s such a great planner.

Other ways manna has come to us at different times during the weeks I have prayed for it in the last month:

My sister in law Tina brought us pizza randomly.

The Urban Family showed up with donuts 🍩 and the kids had chocolate faces and smiles to prove it.

The Heywood Family gave us homemade bread.

My friend Julie brought us dinners snacks and even games for the kids one day.

My friend Melanie brought us soup. 

My mom taught our boys to make bread and also delivered a dragon cake to my son for his birthday.

All of these were random acts of kindness.

My friend Brandis delivered a food box to us last week from the local ASA Now non-profit for foster/adoptive families. She made sure to help us meet the deadline for the order even tho I couldn’t do it myself. There was so much in this box and delivery. Mitch and the kids and I were so grateful. 

My neighbor Amanda gave us her surplus of magical unicorn macaroni and cheese—my picky eater will actually eat these things! She also shared messages about God with me that she posts online. She’s a soul sister kind of girl with how she’s approaching this time to build others up, and it hits my heart.

Our Grandma Mo Mo and Grandpa Borden delivered some homemade strawberry freezer jam to our outside fridge. Seriously, if that’s not manna, I don’t know what is! Baby Jude eats it on toast like crazy.


One of our friends moved out of the country and gave us their extra supplies of food and spices. God has a sense of humor—I asked for MANNA and we got something labeled “SPECIAL SH$$” 😅😅😅 It’s pretty good too. I’m going to use it up quickly. 

My friend Hailey brought me chocolate and a DP on the worst day of March for us. She didn’t even know it was my worst day ever until later, but the caffeine got me thru it all!

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED during all of this is that I don’t need to be afraid of being a mama bird with 8 little chicks. I’ve learned from praying for manna that it’s going to be okay. I’ve learned that people are nice and kind and think about more than themselves even when it’s a scary time of crisis. I have seen in an overwhelming way that I live in an amazing community full of beautiful people and that we are not alone. I’ve learned my kids (even my trauma babies) are capable of NOT being wasteful. I’ve learned that my kids want to help do things like bake bread and plant a garden and make lemonade out of real and figurative lemons 🍋 . They want to be helpers and problem solvers during this unusual time. I’ve learned that I can let go of my fears enough to focus on what I have. I can be grateful for what I have today, and know that If manna can come today, it can come tomorrow, too. I don’t need to be greedy or hoard things. When I have more than I need for my family we can also share—it’s not that I didn’t know this before, but I feel like this situation exposes the awareness more because my confidence is stronger than ever before that we’re going to make it. Besides being confident that we can be resourceful and work hard to plan for our family, my community has shown without a doubt and even without us asking them, that we don’t need to feel alone. I can see that we are not alone. When what we have to give our kids feels like it’s not enough during this time, I understand I don’t have to be afraid because when people say “We’re in this together”, they really mean it.Besides our family’s physical needs, our emotional needs have also been supported by our work community and friends and neighbors and church connections, too. 

Last but not least, I told my husband I was going to write tonight about what I’ve been calling my “manna experience”. He said without skipping a beat, “Oh, yeah. You’re going to tell everyone about the MANNA-YOUR DREAMS!” 😂😂😂 It’s true though. Mitch is his own type of ‘manna’. He is so resourceful and handy. He can stretch  our household needs much farther than I can because he has the patience to make things work in thrifty ways. He also has the skill set (and his mind works well as a problem solver) for practical and logistical things. He said he’s sure all the Israelite wives got sick of their husbands calling themselves the manna-their-dreams as they wandered for 40 years. 

Let’s stop for just a second here: 

MITCH—

ARE YOU SURE THEIR JOKES WERE IN ENGLISH? 😂 

Either way—here’s the final type of manna that our family has been blessed with:

The “MANNA-MY-DREAMS” 🥰😍🥰😍🥰

Everything is Going to Be OKAY. JUST SAY IT!!!

Tonight I came upstairs to find THREE of my children in my bed.  That's not normal for us. For mom & pop survival, we run a pretty tight ship with our expectations that our kids are to sleep in their own beds.  But somehow, between when the kids fell asleep and when I decided to come to my room, 3 of them made their way into my bed.  My husband and I weren't even there to comfort them, but obviously they are needing comfort and found it by being in the place where they knew we would eventually be.

Why didn't I know they were in my bed?

Because I was downstairs sitting on the couch.  I NEEDED my husband to hold me and talk to me.

Our conversation:

Me:  "Why do I keep catastrophizing?  It doesn't make sense."

Mitch: "Because so many things you used to count on are not reliable anymore, so it makes you expect that other things you count on will explode, too. 

1) Your teaching job that used to be steady - in the air and changing.

2) School for the kids - blew up.

3) Daycare - over.

4) Food at the grocery store - you don't know if it's there anymore. 

5) Toilet paper - it used to just be there & you never thought about it.

6) Boring church every week for 2 hours - POOF!  Gone!

And that's just to name a few, so now you begin to believe that other things that have been steady in your life that you never used to think about could at any moment go away, too."

Mitch simply held me and talked with me and I started to feel better.  Just talking about it--talking about the way COVID-19 has changed everything, and we haven't even lost a loved one to it, like others have.

When I came upstairs to fall into my pillow and mattress and couldn't because I saw the kids there instead, I stopped.

This sight showed me that what I was feeling tonight is exactly what my kids are feeling - the need for reassurance.

Right now everything is NOT okay. 

Right now all the things that you and your kids used to count on feels unstable.  So without living in denial of reality, if you can truthfully choke out these words, remember that SOMEONE in your family NEEDS TO HEAR THIS RIGHT NOW:

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

If that is not a true statement for you, don't say it, or remember that you could add something to it to make it true, like:

"Everything is going to be okay, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY."

Or "BECAUSE I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."

Or "BECAUSE WE CAN DO THIS."

Or "BECAUSE WE CAN MAKE THIS FUN."

Or "BECAUSE WE ARE PROBLEM SOLVERS."


Maybe you need a different phrase to start shifting to the positive:

"There's no one else I'd rather be quarantined with than you guys."

WHATEVER it is that you sense the need to say, please SAY IT.  Sometimes the more you say something that you have a hard time choking out, the more it has the potential to become true.  SO PLEASE.  For YOU.  For anyone around you that you care about. Start choking out the words that maybe even you need to hear.  Start saying the things you need to believe in, in order to shift your own focus - to start lifting the heavy burden of darkness off of your shoulders.  Start saying the things you need to say that will help you shine light on and help you to live in and enjoy today.  

All we have is today anyway.  And with that sobering thought, let me give a shout out to some of you.

I am ALL ABOUT kids and childhood development and education--my oldest kids were all reading before the age of 3.  But as much as I love education, there is no way in H*** that I'm homeschooling my kids right now.  For those of you who have tried making a schedule, who have tried finding resources, who have worked for normalcy in these very not-normal circumstances, I am so freaking PROUD of you.  Keep rocking it!  You are still thinking from your frontal lobe and you are not in base survival mode just yet.  That's an AMAZING PLACE to be in the middle of a world crisis.  Just remember that as you go in to another week of this (even if you felt like you failed on the first round), you are the kind of person the world needs more of right now - you are innovating.  You are creating.  That's the kind of thing that perpetuates the human race forward and out of the darkness.  Not everyone can do that under normal circumstances and certainly not everyone can do that in a crisis.

I'm a teacher, and I'm not quite able to do that right now.  I have kids with trauma - our lives changed dramatically after we adopted, and under normal circumstances, my trauma babies are still children with "food issues".  Issues that literally can control their every thought and our every day.  So let's focus now on how something like Corona-virus, quarantine, and rood rationing or sudden dietary restrictions might affect my kids who already have food issues.  Let's just say that on days 1 and 2 of this experience I already had to reach out to my support group for assistance and help.  The most positive way I can view this situation is that it's an opportunity to have more intensive therapeutic practice with the skills we've already been working hard to teach and develop for my kids who literally (and for an extended period of their lives) used to not know where their next meal was going to come from.  Unfortunately that reality that we're all now stressing about with the grocery store crisis used to be my adopted children's EVERY DAY situation.  So hoarding food, playing with food, obsession about food, asking about food, hovering in the kitchen all the day long, wasting food, making 'food stands' without permission to sell our food during the quarantine, these are all the things I am focusing on and trying to help my kids move past.  I have to address these basic human needs therapeutically before my kids can think about reading and writing again.  And that's okay - everyone is at their own level on this pandemic journey - the GOAL though, is to keep as many of us out of crisis mode as possible.

So friends - it's hard.  For many or most of us, we also have other life stressors happening in addition to the COVID-19 stress - finances, other health issues, accidents, fill in the blank.  But if we're going to change what we can currently control, let's address our deeper needs, our kids' needs, and our friends' needs by shining some light with whatever we have left to muster. Reassure each other that there is reason to have hope and belief in a brighter day for all of us.  Maybe someday we'll get back to knowing a life that we used to know just a few weeks ago, or maybe we will get to a reality that is similar to what we used to know if we can believe these things:

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.  
WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.  
WE ARE GOING TO SEE BETTER DAYS.
WE CAN DO THIS.
WE ARE ALREADY DOING THIS.
WE ARE STRONG.
WE HAVE GOT THIS.

Please - JUST SAY IT and remember that if we can get through today, we can also get through tomorrow, too.

In this with you.
Love,
D.Jo