But I was broken. I was hurting.
I had lost 3 babies.
In a row.
I was a good person; I was making good choices. But there were people in the world who didn't want their babies, I thought - "Why couldn't someone who wanted babies have a chance to get them?" (Looking back however, I realize that thought in and of itself was pretty judgemental. As one of our favorite family therapists pointed out, "No one actually says, 'I want to be a Meth addict and lose my kids.'")
Well, ironically - now I have children coming out of my ears. I have 4 in Heaven, and I'm up to 6, now on Earth - my husband and I have both biological and adopted children (well almost adopted). And lucky me - now I'm sitting here wondering how on earth God thought I could handle all of this. Of our 6 kids, 2 of them have special needs, but they're the "invisible" kind of special needs - the kind where people just look at you and your kids like you're completely unfit to parent when their meltdowns are out of control...we have the "RAD" and "Autism" and "SPD" and "ADHD" and "Speech Apraxia" and, and, and....
God and His plans for me feel a little crazy once again. Or else I'm the crazy one, and He's just humoring me? I may never know.
But back to when I was mad - I was so hurt that I couldn't hear Him speaking the words to heal my pain. It was 9 years (N-I-N-E) before I could hear Him and actually believe Him when He told me - "Your kids are okay - they're with Me right now. You're going to see them again someday."
So fast forward - I had reconciled my anger with God and decided it was a bad emotion. I would avoid it at all costs.
Until recently in the last year when our family was exposed to kids with trauma. Their trauma rubbed off onto everyone else in the family causing something very real called "Secondary Trauma".
Amid the mountain of struggles, I couldn't find or see that seemingly inspirational ball of light that He had promised me at the beginning of this particular journey, so I had to deal with anger all over again. Where was the promise when all I could see was the mess? The anger started with the people closest to the situation who "caused" my kids' problems, and the people before them or around them, and then the anger shifted to myself who chose to take it on and affect all the other kids in then family, and then I eventually blamed the One who put me on this path to begin with.
The methodical shifting of the anger I felt from every bad thing that ever happened to my kids eventually landed right back at the One I had decided I'd never be mad at again. HOW DID I LET MYSELF DO THAT AGAIN?
But this time something has been different.
I can't quite pin-point what it is.
Maybe I'm older and have more experiences so I just know better now that He's going to answer me, so I'm trying to listen better through the pain.
When it all boils down I think that God is trying to teach me that He is the One who is in control. He really is at the helm. No matter how badly anyone or everyone involved has messed things up (in my life, in your life, or in anyone's life), He is there. He actually knows the end from the beginning, and He is trying to guide us if we will just try to listen. Even if we're not listening well, He's still got this under control. No matter whose choices did what to my kids and to my family, He bought it ALL with His blood. No matter how inadequate I am to be this mom of this many kids, He paid for it, so that's why He is the One who can help me.
Honestly, it really is all His fault, and it's all really in His hands.
That doesn't mean we don't have to feel what we need to feel so we can move past it. That doesn't mean we can just wave a magic wand and rush the healing of our children. That doesn't mean that a bunch of crummy things weren't along the path to get us to this place, and it certainly doesn't mean we're even close to out of the woods, yet. But knowing that GOD is in control helps me in shifting the anger that comes...because it does. Each time my child has a physical or mental "disability" from choices of others, I have to take the anger and move it. Putting it all on God is actually something that helps me to forgive others. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." Or rather, "Father forgive them for they had no idea how long lasting or how far reaching the consequences of their choices would be." And "Heavenly Father - I'm actually in this big giant mess because You thought I could handle it, so please, I beg for You to show me and make me able." And "Heavenly Father, I have no idea what I'm doing, so please tell me what to do and help me find the right path."
What I'm really trying to say is that sometimes being mad at God is the very thing that can help you trust in Him.
So if you have a reason to be angry with God, maybe the Lord is trying to tell you through all of your fears and sadness and anger, that you're just a half-step away from understanding His grace and glory. If it's all His fault now - just wait until He fixes it! You wouldn't actually be mad at Him for not fixing it yet, if you didn't know DEEP DOWN that He can. You likely have a true hope that someday He will make it better, but maybe you're just really mad that it's not better NOW.
And you know what?
It's okay to feel that way.
He bought that with His blood, too. He actually understands every feeling you've ever had.
So just wait for Him. Keep doing your best, and do what you can, but trust that He's in control.
Somehow - someday - every problem will be fixed. He will wipe away all tears from all faces. In this life we've blamed our pain on Him, but how beautiful when ALL of the peace, all of the healing, will be because of His glorious name.
In that day we will be eternally grateful that He is the One to blame.