Sunday, March 4, 2012

Exactly What I Need

You know, I've had a crazy week.  I've really had a crazy last 7 months, and the worst of it has really been the last 3 months.  The 1st 4 months I was more nauseated than any of my other pregnancies, and as bad as I thought those 4 months were, struggling with depression for the last 3 months is not a battle I would have ever chosen.  And it's mornings like this that I wake up and feel irritated that the imbalance still exists and wish it would just go away.  And then I think of my blessings and the way I've made it this far.  I'm really worried about having post-partum depression.  I've never had a struggle with depression like this in my entire life, it's a real, true, irritating imbalance.  A friend at church last week, who was just diagnosed with being bi-polar, made the comment that it's totally illogical.  I can totally relate to him and I totally agree!  It's so illogical for me to be depressed right now.  I have everything I need and want, except my regular-self.  I just want to be my happy self again.  Technically I'm doing FAR better with this struggle than I was before my wonderful mother clued me into what what going on, but I still have days.  Like today.  When I wake up, and I think, "I'm not happy."  And it's so dumb, because I really have everything to make me happy, and yet the illogical, internal struggle goes on, and so I take my supplement pills and pray that the fact that I forgot to take them last night or yesterday morning won't throw me off my groove for a couple days.

I just want to say that my sister Erin calls me every day.  I don't think she knows how much it means to me.  Yesterday I was so extremely busy, and I was so tired, and I really did want to do all the things I had planned yesterday, but it was hard to keep up with the day.  And my sister called and I didn't answer because I didn't know she called, and simply just seeing that I had a missed call from her made me feel better this morning.  I think she used to get a little irritated at first when I was really bluesy and had a raincloud every single day, but as the months have gone on, she has become so sensitive to what I need.  Some days she commiserates with me and just listens when I've been let down, and other days she knows how to help me break out of it.  I'm just so lucky to have a sister who loves me.  We don't talk for a long time.  She usually has to cut the conversation off when she gets home from work because she has tons of homework to do and she needs to spend a little time with her husband, but the thing is that she's consistent, and she really does care about how I am feeling.  I miss her because of distance, but she's been there for me in exactly the way I've needed, and I love her for it.  Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he made sisters--it's a bond that can never be broken, and it's a bond that makes me happy.  I love you, Erin!